The Truth Dose.

Something I have recently recognized.  Well, not just recently.  Maybe it's been brewing for quite a while.
The differences in raising my children.
The difference in gender is one thing.
The little big milestones I have failed at.
Maybe things I didn't know any better.
Or was too self absorbed to know better.
Better yet...maybe just a tad too young.
Or busy.  Who really knows.  

I birthed a son.  Very young.  And wanted nothing more for him than safety.  Love.  Nurturing. And most important,  good health and food.
I instilled good things in him like, kindness.  Respect. Thankfulness. Good instincts. The respect and kindness for all mankind.  Animals included.
Love your Mom with all your heart too. ha.  Ok, but seriously...I believe I have raised a guy, to be a good person. When I see them hop on the roller-coaster so famously named, "Life" and soon strapped in his seat belt to drop from steep mountain tops. I have no other choice but to watch.  Sometimes with one eye open. And sleepless nights.  I watch.  And listen.  Guiding and helping where and when I can. Protecting like a wild animal at times.  My instinct to stand when I needed to. Fight for him like no other on some other days.  I will for the rest of my living days.
The deep guilt I am faced with is college.  And why's. Serious guilt.  Amongst other living demons in raising him while being so young.  College stands out like a highlighter on a piece of white paper.
I am faced with the difference between Kris and Kali. Shoulda...Coulda....syndrome. 

My girl arrives into the picture.
Fast forward to the last couple of years.  The world evolves around all things Kali most of the time. Planning for college, sports, attending games, practices...parties...girl things, academics, school life.  Friendships, gatherings, shopping...etc. Just all girl things.  Her.  Kali. The princess and sometimes a B word in our home. Call it hormones, call it spoiled. Or call it overwhelmed. Sometimes I see it. Not too much.  But I do. I am not one to cause a fuss, as I know this too shall pass.  She will get through these years.  She is a good girl.  A good person. She's the organized one.  The independent one.  The girl that thinks ahead, and figures it out.   Learning along the way. I set the example of kindness.  Peace. Patience. And love. I just do.  And of course, I play classical music and burn lots of candles. ha.
Let it be known, if and when she crosses "That" line, I sting like a bee and roar like a lion.  They all know that.  Watch out. lol. Seriously, watch out.

Moving forward and planning for colleges. This is where guilt has set in.  Like daily.
Why didn't I.
Why can this be.
Why is her choices and options more open than her brothers?
Why didn't I know better?
Why didn't I push harder for these opportunities.
Why didn't I grasp how important SAT'S were?
Did I know better?  Probably not.

Did you all just fall off your chair?  Almost?  Holding your chest with sheer disgust?  Don't worry. I understand. I'll wait for you to get back up on your chair.  Ok....here we go.

And now he crosses the wonder of colleges.  Career changes. The simple challenges of change.  What to do in his life for the rest of his life that will make him happy.  Keep him happy.  While working for your parents.  It isn't always the easy route.  It can be quite challenging for all of us.  Both sides. 
He is making some decisions lately that are important to him.  He is a saver.  He wants to buy a house.  And he is so close.  When I hear the word "frugal", I think of him.  He's making a plan for his future.  No better angle to get it, then plan. Save. And plan some more.

Lately the two of my children have really butted heads. I try not to intervene. I stay back.  I let them sort it, until words become just rude. 
He tells me she's a brat and rude. She tells me he needs to leave and move out.
Again, I sit quiet.  I see both sides.  She doesn't understand the concept of money yet.  The value of saving.  The value of eating out, and spending carelessly. (Her Prom dress came from Bloomingdales...#thanksdad) She just doesn't get it.  He lives with us to save.  And I'm sure for my cooking. haha.
She lives with expectations of this world evolving around her (At times).

Trying to boss her big bro around with an attitude...is. just. not. working.
Again, I see both sides.  I realize this may sound dysfunctional to some. I really believe it's quite normal. The perfect family doesn't just blossom from perfect farms.  We just don't.
This life isn't perfect.  We all need to find the right path.
I carry guilt inside of me.  I carry the "wish" I woulda for him.

I remember someone sharing this with me years ago...."Children will be their toughest through the years that end in TEEN"  After that, they become a little more enlightened with their life. Parenting.  Friends. Career paths.  And things in general. 
I see it in both of them.  Daily.  Weekly.
There are smooth fun nice moments with us all.  And then there's those other moments that make me cringe.


I see the split in the road.  I know this life is fast.  That both K and K share a deep rooted love for one another.  That one is stronger than the other at times, while the other is sorting things.
One might seem more spoiled for the moment.  While the other is saving for a future.
One might seem more loved on.  While the other is pushing a parent back for space.
One might seem to have it all together, while the other is battling something personal.
Sports. Relationships. Grades. Life lessons. Bills.  Commitments.  Financial responsibilites.
It's this life.

I continue to do what I feel is right.  For both of them. Keep in mind, I rarely take ridicule or opinions about my lifestyle or choice of raising my kids or family unit, personal or literal from anyone.  Never have. NEVER will.  I walk to my own beat.  And that will never change.  Again, unless you have the perfect recipe.  No need to offer. 
We are just a molecule on this big planet. Yet so many of our fears, futures, lives rely on this day in front of us.

Do you have battles of your past?
Wishes of coulda, shoulda woulda?

Maybe you don't have children, and cared to never walk that path.

I love my kids with all the blood that flows through me.

It's not the easy path.  But one I will struggle with to see them both happy and content.

Boys and girls.  They are completely different in so many ways.

My choices and decisions are sure different than they were in my 20's. and in my 30's.  Most definitely in my forties.  I see it.

My elders have seen it.

It's no wonder when you see an elderly couple sitting on a bench carrying such calm in their spirit.
They've been there.  They've walked this path.  They've tried where maybe some didn't care to.
Or maybe they didn't try to.

Maybe I should try and calm my inner by just letting things be.

While I just be me.


Until then.  Just wait it out.

Happy What Did I do Wednesday.

Pow.

P.S.  Any parent out there that has the perfect recipe and home.  Please submit your ideas, comments, perfect notions and lotions immediately.

P.S.S.  I will even buy you a super good glass of wine.  Or water with lemon.

bring it.

Mom.  The one to stand when needed.