Thirty Day Trial.

 Have you ever signed up for a Thirty Day Trial to give it a try, and deep deep down you kinda know you won't be using it.  Much. 

For me, I am not a movie or TV watcher. It takes alot for me to sit down and turn the TV on, much less watch a movie.  I've been this way since I was a little girl. 

My problem is I would always go so hard, the minute I'd sit still, I'd fall into a deep slumber.  It was a family joke that carried on through my adulthood.  The kids would say, "Mom, if we turn the movie on will you actually watch it and not get up to do chores, etc."

Back when Covid first hit I signed up for a FREE 30 Netflix Trial.  Knowing full well I wasn't going to watch much.  I began asking good friends what shows they really liked and why.  The idea was deep in my head to curl up on the couch next to Bill and get really into a show. 

Never happened.  

I would rather walk a beach, sidewalk, boardwalk, or chores. 

It's just who I am. 

Mid June came with a layout and plan of what our August would look like.  Closing out July with a major surgery to welcome a move-in date for Kris in AZ (Lake Havasu City) by the 20th.  Keys for his rental on August 10th, as he was still working.  So his mom and his auntie would take our 3rd load up (Bill and I took the first load, Bill took the second load.)

That early Friday morning I would scoop my sister up to head to the hottest days in Havasu.  Getting the keys to his rental that we'd never stepped foot inside.  And in Arizona, that town especially, you get what you pay for. 

We came armed with drawer liners, paint, bleach, and anything and everything to nest he and Lexi.

We had a glass of wine at our house first to prime ourselves for the task that lie ahead.  Case in point, I had a weary feeling the standards wouldn't live up to mine. But I digress.

My Hero.  My sister.  She sincerely picked me up off the sorrowful ground many times that trip up. 

Back story : Throughout the years we haven't always seen eye-to-eye.  I guess that happens in families. 

So for us, or for myself I keep looking at all the silver linings in the month of August.  That said, 

this is one. 

Many reasons to be told for Kris' decision (or should I say his parents nudge and push).  For what he can afford, with his dogs, cactus-lol and Patriotism. His parents go back and forth between homes. etc.

There were lots of discussion prior to this move. LOTS of head scratching from his mom, and mostly a very concerned Auntie (Tina-above) worried about his health, the heat, the sun...etc. 

I get it. 

I do too. 

But sometimes you have to look forward.  Think positive and look at his future.  Point being, there were more positives than negatives, and we just went with it. 

The irony is our old neighbors The Parsleys (whom lived directly across the street in Lakewood, remember the angel that fed me every.single.day when Kris was at City Of Hope..?) they moved a mile from Kris in Havasu two months earlier.  WILD.

God answers prayers and God does protect Kris. 

This I know for sure. 

Filthy. 

Let us take for instance, this beautiful CHANDELIER. LOL.  Filthy. The rental agency told me the house is immaculate.  Sure.  This beautiful CHannnndelllierrrr -EWWWW---was covered in grub.  Part of me wanted to yank that shit down and replace it.  Then I thought...no, Lisa. No. 

This is his chance to start from scratch and move on to something better.  In one year. 

From their bedroom looking out.  At a big wash. LOL. 

Coyote land. Scary.  But real. 

Nevermind the cockeyed light bulb...baby steps I'll get there.  haha

Painted the brown wood white.  Whatever.  Lipstick on a pig.  All good!

How the "Immaculate" drawers looked. 

Anyway, you get the picture.  Meanwhile as my sister and I are doing our nesting Mama/Auntie thing, I'm trying to convince her that AZ is the best place for Kris...etc.  

When we get in the car to head back to our house...

As Bill says...Buck Twenty Five"  

Not even worth laughing at.  I was in shock myself.  Burning my fingers as I shut the lid of Bill's truck. 

At this point I am numb. 

Scared.

Anxious. 

But forging forward. 

Isn't that what us mom's do?  We plan. We pray.  We hope. We push. Mostly we plan the best way we can possibly plan. 

With our heart out there first.  

We'd head back out of town on Sunday. I'd pick up a trailer our friend Jerry loaned me in Azusa.  Heading back to Lakewood to fill it with all the appliances, and his bed. 

The next haul up would be the big move. 

When I would come home, I would try to ground myself with Grace to continue my love and care for Bill. Who is still on crutches.  Still can't carry a glass of water, or his coffee cup very gracefully.  Sitting on the couch a tad bit depressed if I'm being honest.  A legacy of hard work left behind.  A family that betrayed him.  Years and years of being a boss.  Working hard for his future.  A major surgery left in the dust, but the remnants still unfolding daily.  His leg getting stronger, but his spirit and mental state quickly deteriorating.  I could see it.  I could feel it. 

And yet, there wasn't a fucking thing I could do.  Just keep pushing forward with a final move the following weekend.  This time I was armed with Kali and Maddie.  

When all of this started to get into rhythm Kali asked me point blank. "Mom, what and how can I help you".  I said the final move.  I need help getting the kitties up there.  I need help setting up those kitties.  I need help feeding family and friends that are helping with this move. 

Boy did they pull through.  BOY DID THEY PULL THROUGH.  Do you know each time I look at these pictures of my sister, my brother in law, my daughter and Maddie I get tears in my eyes.  IT'S HOTTER THAN HOT SNOT there and they all pulled together. 

Kris drove back and forth in the stakebed pulling a trailer 3 times in a 3 days.  My brother in law drove up early Saturday...

Everytime we'd see another UHaul we'd honk - LOL!  Can't be serious all the time!  HAHAHA

My handsome Bucky trying to adjust to his new surroundings.  A very mad Marley kitty.  Foaming mouth, holding on to the cage at times.  Bucky just rolling with the crew. 

Breakfast by Maddie! 

Kali and Hannah.  One of my biggest worries was the kitties driving the 360 miles.  Wasn't easy, but wasn't that bad.  Hannah adjusted well at our house. Marley, not so much. LOL. Under Kris' bed until we moved her one more time to Kris'.  Poor sweet girl. 

This is where Hero's get their trophy.  Every single appliance wouldn't fit.  It's 115 in garage.  Doors have to come off.  Sweat pouring down his face. 

Wayne.  My brother in law never winced. Just got it handled. 

This is where you feel the love and helpful hands from friends and family. 

There were many moments of sheer panic seeping from my body.  There were moments of pride.  Moments of sadness. Moments of what the fuck am I doing.  Moments of how much more can my soul take.  But then I kept telling myself.  Lisa, you've been through worse.  You can do this. He can do this. 

It's August in Havasu. It's gonna be hot.  Two separate neighbors have already come over to introduce themselves to him.  Proclaiming "Ya, this is the hottest August we've had in 20 years" lol. 

What I found most calming was the nature of the people there.  Taking the time to come introduce themselves.  

The moving trip would involve good memories too.  We'd get back home to dip in the pool.  Maddie would make a margarita for me to relax.  I'd have some good laughs with those girls. 

This guy.....

Wayne spent one night.  Headed back with Kris.  

We'd toggle back and forth for weeks.  I'd arrive back home tattered. Not the sweetest spirit to Bill. Something I'm not proud of but my soul was wiped out.

I'd navigate the final clean out of Lakewood.  After almost 20 years in a home you acquire more things than you'd know.  Rafters filled. Cupboards filled with memories. 

I drove away one last time with Kris the following week.  He'd make his 5th trip back to get his car.  We'd fill it the best we could.  More cactus than I'd like to admit, but that's what makes his spirit happy. 

We stood in our living room with tears.  We both looked at one another and said..."This house holds so many memories, good and bad".  

We drove off in separate directions.  I'd pray as I do.  Just before getting on the freeway he'd call. 

His car died at the end of the street. 

Better there than in the middle of nowhere. Seriously...

I turned around, arranged a rental, a friend got him to rental place and by 8:30 that night he was home bound for another week. 

I'd get back over the next morning to get his car towed, pick up his meds for the next month or two and grab his last bit of beloved cactus he grows from seeds. 

I learned a few things during the month of August.  I learned the true family and friends that step up to help.  I learned my strength and patience are harder to come by these days.  I learned that navigating the man I love the most having a major surgery days prior to a journey I had no idea would be so hard. 

I learned when you move ANYONE to another state, hire a moving crew and be done with it. 

I learned that love and family go hand in hand. 

I learned that getting up every single day with a plan to move through it will happen. Just not exactly the way you envisioned. 

I spent several hours the last couple of days with remorse.  For the way I treated Bill during the whole process.  Someone that needed me the most, and yet I pushed back the hardest.  I did my duties of meal planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, his meds.  But there was this tension and resentment I let filter out of me.  It was all a clusterfuck in looking back. 

Kris is finally back in AZ.  Picked his car up on Monday.  I met him and Skipper for lunch and he was gone again. 

A new reality of change.

Bill left for Havasu.  He said for a couple of reasons, one being I needed a break. 

The last couple of days have still included errands and chores.  Nothing close to the last 30 days. 

I think I am shock of what we all endured. There's still dust and remnants of the change.  There will be for a while.  

I am grateful for this chance. 

For these two. 

Kris and Lexi August 2020

Skipper and Max

Lexi's mama drove up last weekend and they nested even more.  LOVE! 

For this guy for tolerating me.  Me for tolerating him.   You guys.  I've cried til I laughed and I've laughed til I cried. 

August, your 30 Day Trial is done.  Not signing up. 

The people that matter will be the matter of your life for years to come.  To the ones that never really mattered have disappeared forever. 

I have learned that a human is born with core strength in its soul forever.

I've learned that Bill and I have a bond like no other.  And the tests we endure just make us better. 

Better friends. Better family.  Better together. 

If you need a pedicure, just call me.  

Or...maybe not. 

I'm hiding from society.  From text messages and emails. I'm hiding from reality and changes. 

Home isn't a bad place after all....

Thanks for hanging in there with me kids.  

Thanks for the love you've all given Bill. The messages.  The food.  The love delivered to him when I couldn't be present.  The good friends we have that show up when the shit hits the fan.  

My family for the extra boost behind the scenes.  The messages I couldn't or didn't' take the time to reply to. 

The extra cups of coffee.....

And the best margaritas made by Maddie during the toughest summer months in Havasu. 

Now let me go replant my seeds of happiness and love.

Waiver: Don't sign the 30 Day Trial.  It's a hoax and will kick your ass-

And the words "I can do hard things" typed so frequently to my best friends that my phone saved the sentence making it easier every time I was on the brink of losing my shit. 

This Mama Lisa

The mom who spent countless days, hours and minutes researching the best options for her son.

The best surgery healing techniques for her lover.

The best vitamins to help his weary soul.

The weather patterns in September in Havasu to assure the kids won't burn and shrivel up. 

More times than not, I've felt my higher power reach down to me. Grabbing my cheeks, kissing my tears away.  I've laughed at sweaty armpits that smell like onions.  I've stared across the room at the back of Bill's head with regret of how I was treating him.  

I'm not always that gnarly when I feel like the ship is sinking.  

Only during August.  

Of Two Thousand Twenty. 

Better days ahead...That's for sure--

I love you. 

"Love the life you live, live the life you LOVE"