Last weekend was full of bliss for me. And when I say "bliss", it generally means solitude. Quiet moments of peace. It comes in waves of reading my book and indulging in social media platforms. It involves sitting on the end of the dock with nothing but the American flag waving near me. It involves Bill fiddling with whatever not far, and the sounds of families making their way in by boat. Or kids jumping in and out of the water close by. It involved a little boat ride sliding down in our seats to go under bridges. One moment in particular was watching a guy catch a decent size halibut. In a kayak. Happiness. In pure form. I can only imagine how that felt. A kayak. Pole. Music. Fish. Zen.
I tend to cherish little things more than ever. I've always preached about how one phone call can change everything. One test result. One email. One moment.
I knew what my Monday entailed. I knew that Kali and I would be headed to the Italian Consulate in Los Angeles. That we'd be sitting on that glorious 405 until we'd land deep in the heart of Century City. Kali had her interview for a Visa.
Something that required massive paperwork to prepare for. Many of which I sat back and watched her navigate through. Knowing all too well she wanted to pull the trigger at me to "just get it done".
Something that required massive paperwork to prepare for. Many of which I sat back and watched her navigate through. Knowing all too well she wanted to pull the trigger at me to "just get it done".
When someone tells you to prepare for the mountains of paperwork required for studying abroad, listen to them. The consulate is no joke that is for sure. Also, don't forget to make copies of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
By the way Kali, when you read this, I want to say just how proud I am of you. So proud that you gathered all the papers and documents you needed. You held your jittery legs up at that counter. Only a mom would know how nervous you were. From the moment when we pulled into that parking structure and that little pepe-le-puu guy approached your overwhelmed mama with instructions on how and where to park and she was gonna lose her shit and grab him by the balls, and so you took the horse (your mom)by the stubborn reigns and assured her to just listen to him. Note to you folks: This dude was pointing to a spot that clearly was marked Mr. Steinberg (a private spot). Which resulted in your mom clarifying. And yes, attitude was apparent after an hour in solid traffic. You knew my stress meter was full tilt to red. Pepe-le-puu is lucky, thanks to you. I thank you. I also thank you for walking me away from the edge. From the edge of stress and freak out. The freakthefuck out I had lingering all morning from brothers journey.
You see, remember that ticket I still hold for that fucked up rollercoaster we jumped on?
Still got it.
Still ride it.
Don't like it.
But ride it.
Monday morning, as our normal "good morning" rounds made their way, I'd receive one back from Kris.
"Feeling off today mama, been throwing up and had bad diarrhea last night"
Instant gut punch for me.
This is a huge red flag for transplant families.
This is a huge red flag for transplant families.
I go through my check list. I often go through my prayer list.
My questions start firing at him, before soon I'd just call.
We'd go through scenario's. Scenarios' that include, what he ate. Where he was.
Having Jen by his side, and our side has been my trophy of comfort. That girl sees first hand. She handles it all like a pro. She's never one to panic, and yet does everything she can to help.
Jenny, this mama loves you with every corner of my beating heart. I love you.
My next call was to our doctor. Actually an urgent email. They'd call me back within an hour. Scheduling an appointment for today. Take 9, or 11am. I'd ask to order labs. His sweet nurse just goes with whatever I ask. God, thank you for Anna.
Pushing him to do labs on a day that I knew he felt like crap, yet I needed answers.
The waiting game on labs is something unheard of unless you are in this transition of life.
Unless you know what those mean. How it counts. Where it will immediately place you.
I'd move on to work after the City Of Angels. I can honestly say I move around like a robot. I begin to take care of the necessary tasks at work, only handling what I know is ritual. Anything and everything beyond that makes me agitated. I can hardly hold a conversation with other humans.
Be cautious when asking questions. Because my theory is if you think you might know the answer, well go get it done.
Be cautious when asking questions. Because my theory is if you think you might know the answer, well go get it done.
I truly just want answers. For my son.
I hover around my desk for hours. 3 to be exact.
Generally they take about an hour or 2.
But this day it was 3-
I hover around my desk for hours. 3 to be exact.
Generally they take about an hour or 2.
But this day it was 3-
Kris would ask more than ever..."Did my labs come in mom?".
"Not yet honey"
Working through my work stuff, checking emails over and over because youjustneverknowtheservermaybeslow- LOL
Bill came to my desk to process an order that had specific adjustments and so he wanted to go over it together. Just the minute he sat next to me, my email came in.
"TEST RESULTS ARE HERE FOR YOUR REVIEW"-
"TEST RESULTS ARE HERE FOR YOUR REVIEW"-
Everything looked fine. I navigate through each and every one. They roll in like a wave. I grab each one.
I sat back in my chair and just stared at Bill.
I'd continue through each and every one.
I'd continue through each and every one.
As a momcologist you become so familiar. So in tune with what is what, and how is how.
There were 9 other tests involved- I had them posted earlier, but the link took you to their site.
That's a bit much---
Quickly reaching for my phone to call Kris.
| Component | Your Value | Standard Range |
|---|---|---|
| WBC'S AUTO | 7.1 x1000/mcL | 4.0 - 11.0 x1000/mcL |
| RBC, AUTO | 3.90 Mill/mcL | 4.70 - 6.10 Mill/mcL |
| HGB | 12.4 g/dL | 14.0 - 18.0 g/dL |
| HCT, AUTO | 37.8 % | 42.0 - 52.0 % |
| MCV | 96.9 fL | 80.0 - 94.0 fL |
| MCH | 31.8 pg/cell | 27.0 - 35.0 pg/cell |
| MCHC | 32.8 g/dL | 32.0 - 37.0 g/dL |
| RDW, BLOOD | 14.8 % | 11.5 - 14.5 % |
| PLATELETS, AUTOMATED COUNT | 195 x1000/mcL | 130 - 400 x1000/mcL |
That's a bit much---
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Quickly reaching for my phone to call Kris.
"Your labs look fantastic honey". I think you had a virus roll through, or something you ate.
Yesterday morning the nurse would call asking if we'd just like a video appointment.
Of course.
Because I already knew.
Labs.
Blood work.
Email.
Logins.
One phone call.
Yesterday we'd navigate through and with her.
No real changes, just monitoring his daily chemo, along with the continued stomach issues he battles.
I stepped back off that rollercoaster I hate so much.
My punched gut instantly feels better.
And the world moves on. And my peace grows again.
You guys, I go to the darkest places. Places I would never wish on anyone.
My hope always pointing at God. Because I sin. I ask for Mercy. For forgiveness.
I cuss. I have an attitude as tall as the sky some days.
Just another reminder on this fine Wednesday.
Live.
And trust.
Even with this ticket in my pocket that I don't want to use.
Rollercoasters SUCK.
Happy Wednesday-
Healing is slow and hard but it is also a miracle to witness
Thanks for hanging with me friends.
I promise I'm not crazy.
Just so in love with my birdies.
Healing is slow and hard but it is also a miracle to witness
Thanks for hanging with me friends.
I promise I'm not crazy.
Just so in love with my birdies.
Love,
This Mama Lisa
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