Letting her figure it out.

Kali has been playing soccer since the sweet tender age of 5.
When her shorts grazed her socks.
When her bows matched just so perfectly.
Made by her Mom while she sat in her chair field-side.
I was never the Mom to drop.  I just stayed.  Helping any little one that may have needed it. 
Her Mom made friends with those around her.  Always
Her Mom has always been the Team Mom. 
We sat for hours talking, and sharing parenting stories.
Sometimes walking.

Friends were made.
Parties were had.
The sliced orange schedule was made for half-time. 
Those beautiful evenings outside watching her practice.
Making memories.
Teammates and coaches.

Life moved along for us.
We traveled to new fields.
New AYSO teams.
New silly names, like Peach Strikers, Sour Apples and Shooting Stars.
We crossed our fingers for cute colors when the shorts and shirts arrived.
Soon she'd land in middle school.
New adventures started with new teams.

 We traveled to new fields.   New places.  New teams.  

 Soon she landed on a club team, with new players, new girls.  New coaches, and of course, new friends for me.  Those days with her team, OUR team, United.  And that we were.  Her coach Dax had the compassion for his girls, just as much as all of us.  Our manager would do cart-wheels for the girls for each score.
We were close.
It was the place that I met some of my closest girlfriends.  Those Moms that would share stories of family life, kids, hubby's, and womanhood.  It's what we all did.
Meanwhile cheering on the side.  With our chairs.  Tears for big wins, sadness for others.  We were there.
Hundred degree weather, and freeze your buns off weather too. 

Before we knew it, the middle school phase ended, and we'd start a new venture.  Something we called High School. Even bigger, was "Try-Outs"-

The honor of making a team at a Division 1 High School allowed many sleepless nights, and early mornings checking the website to see if she "made the team"-  It was almost surreal to see the roster the morning before we parted for vacation.  I knew how much she wanted it.  I knew in the core of her body, just how much she wanted it.  So much so, I didn't tell her that morning as I scooped her into the truck, and had the guys at Del Taco in Barstow let me write it this down before our food was delivered. 

Her reaction was close to this.  Of course, tears made their way down  my cheeks.  Only because deep down, I knew.  This was something very big.

 Her Froshsoph year was one of the sweetest.  With awesome girls.  An amazing coach.  And a kick ass team we were.  The endless pasta parties will forever fill my heart.

That season came to an end, and she was honored to make the JV Team.  Again, the feelings were all the same.  Happy, excited, and just so glad to be a part of something so unique.  With her friends.  A team. 

 Another season evolved.  New bonds were made.  New games were won.  New memories....
 Until this day.  The day of kidnapping.  Varsity Team Title.  She made it. 

She was scared.  She was stoked.  She was elated.  She was happy to be with her friends.  While making new ones.  Those bonds you hear about on Varsity.  

The many moments spent bonding.  Sharing.  Laughing, and crying.   Together.  

 Experiencing one of the best weekends of her life.  At RETREAT.  Those exact words from her.  Into my ears.  Because of many girls.  Because of the moments with her coaches.  Hannah, our Captains words that trickled into my girls ears on the last day.  Unforgettable.  

She was one of the first on the practice field, bright and early on Winter Formal day.  A fine line of ice laid on the field while they warmed up.  Together. 

They all remained a team.  Together.   There were some of the most intense and exciting games I've witnessed in all the years of soccer.  Watching them. These beautiful girls.

During the last weeks of Varsity Soccer Season in her Junior Year she continued to express to me her worry.  The worry of not wanting to play anymore.  The stress that made her feel someone better than her should take that spot.  I continued to encourage.  I continued as I always have, along with my time Representing the team.  Heck, I represented all the seasons with and for them.  And I loved those moments.

And still I heard...."Mom, I seriously don't think I am at the level that Coach Steve needs or wants".
I would sit quiet.
I would pray about it.
Soon the school year would end.  Camp would start.
And Coach would wonder about her.


Again, the same answers from Kali.

I would fret with wonder.   Kind of frustrated.  But mostly sad.

One day while at work, she called.  Me.
Mom, I think I need to call Steve (Coach)
And I need to sit down and talk to him.
I said..."that is exactly what you need to do".  Do it.

And she did.   His patient and kind response was something she really didn't want to hear-
"Kali, I'm not letting you quit"......"You can't"  -----  "It's your Senior year".    Go home and think about it, and we'll get back in touch.

It's been crickets since.  On her behalf-

This is breaking my heart.

Part of my initial gut said "let her figure it out"
She's 17.  She needs to learn these ropes in this life.
This life that is about digging deep down into ones self.
Is her decision to quit High School Varsity soccer worth my fight?

Is it worth a dramatic issue in our home?
Is it worth making her get through one more year?
Part of me says YES.  SHE MUST!
And then I have another side that says....maybe deep deep down she just knows.   

It's breaking my heart this year.
I stepped down from the board with hopes that it would help deter her from this tough decision.
Thinking deep down, "maybe she's tired of me doing all I do"

Her words this week have been more focus on college.
Really thinking with sheer deep thoughts on her career path.
I continue to hear about planning for her future, with the desire to focus on grades.
Things are changing, and for the first time I am a little scared.
About what this life has to offer her, and what she will offer it.
Who knows what the next month will hold in her thoughts.

I pray for Varsity Soccer.
I beg her little weary soul to give it a try.
Even on the bench.
To give it a try.
And to cross those bridges of realness as they appear.

The moment we discover the truth of whatever all of this truly means, I hope we are at peace.

Because deep down, we as parents just want peace.

Pushing them for success, yet yearning for that flame to stay bright and lit up like no other.

Pray for us kids.

This bridge is big.  It's slippery.

And it's very very real.


Happy Tuesday Mama's & Dada's out there.
Coaches too.


As I always preach.  There is no perfect recipe-  We just add and take out where and when needed.
Sometimes these recipes are a little tougher than others.

Chapter Seventeen looks to be pretty interesting as I scroll through the pages thus far.

For all I know the rosters have been written in stone, minus Kali.  And a done deal.
This reality is real.  Thank you for listening and understanding me as I walk through this next chapter with her. With us. 

In this life. 

boom.