Chapter 45 Series 2015

It's interesting to look back through pictures of the months prior as you close your year out.  For me at least.  I become sappy as I look back through the year..  *shocker*  I feel like I've been to hell and back, and yet peeking through folders dated "March", truly doesn't seem that far back, and yet when you want the days to slow down or speed up, we have no control.  Just minutes.  That turn into days.  And weeks, then months.  Then March really IS far back.  And the same goes for February.  A beautiful month filled with all things love.  Soon I would scoot through May, where we celebrated our littlest birdie's 19th birthday.  Such a fun weekend.  Month after month after month, I would grab a couple and stare, smile, and move on.

Crazy.

I started to reflect on just how fast these months have flown by.

January offered us a reaction to the flu shot that took this dude down until just recently. 

white sunglasses still in kitchen drawer waiting for the next sunny day...

We learned the difference between western meds and holistic medicine.  Finding the right approach to something so delicate. It amazes me how much research I would read day and night just to try and help him feel better--

Watching, listening, and helping him through each day and night as his body fought hard to get the flu shot out. Those first few months listening to him toss and moan in pain from that darn shot. 

February came, and we celebrated two from our six pack....

We celebrated the day of LOVE at the best car show, and concert that we'd ever been to...

They celebrated love. A love they held on for dear life giving it their best shot, trying to navigate through peer pressures, and distance.  I never knew how strong Kali was until I watched this chapter.  We all miss him.  That's the tough part of these things...

March rolls around--

Kris was able to enjoy the best fishing in Southern California and Baja Mexico due to El Nino making it's way, and would go down as some record breakers..

We'd take walks to breakfast...

 Bucks held down camp as always....like a boss...

 Kali would support her first marathon with her sorority sisters.  Supporting Domestic Violence Abuse Victims...

And partied like a rockstar at various sorority sister gigs....

Still continued to move mountains.  Hiked in new territories...

Went to her formal with a bestie....

My Aunt Susie would run AND finish the LA Marathon.  -----> Badass.....

 April would make it's debut, and Mama would celebrate Chapter 45.  Alone at the lake as lovers, tucked away just like we love. 

One of my favorite months, May-  The month I was honored to birth a little girl. 

 Turning nineteen.  Surrounded by her bestest of best friends.

And he stayed in charge. Never taking his eyes off.  Anything.

 It's so hard to not look at pictures of the months prior to Kris getting sick, and wondering...all the why's. 

Was it filtering through his veins, spine, brain.....ugh.

Hi! I'm Warrior Mama

 We celebrated Gaylord's 88th Birthday (this picture is over 5 years old, but I love it)

We had bbq's at families....just to be together....

 June popped into our worlds....

We launched our Wine Wednesday's at the LBYC- Some of the best food around on the water....and of course the margarita's.....

Kris continued to be on the water.  Any chance he could get.  Morning, and night.  Here and way over there.  On the water. 

 We'd arrive at a donut shop in the early hours to capture hot cars, and hot coffee. 

 To soon jam over to Harbour's annual Surf Contest....

 I'd run into my dude on the pier....

 We'd celebrate friends' birthdays on The Big Red Bus.....

 Concerts at the pier.  Where you gather to be with friends, to sip wine from your cuppy.  And that means more than the music.  Just being together...

El Nino giving us his best of the best.....

 We'd do our last Ink-n-Iron show.  Toasting the good days before, and preparing for the years to come.  If we only knew....

My Dad would celebrate another birthday.  Alive and able.

Soon Mr. July would flip onto our calendars...

We'd make a couple lake trips.  Alone. Meeting up with friends, sipping Coors lights, and cheering to each other from boat to boat.  Letting the good times roll...

 We'd take White Fin out for a "one more run, let's blow the spider webs from her exhaust"

Celebrating The 4th Of July in San Diego---

August would make it's grand entrance....my oldest birdies birthday month...

He'd fish.  Come home, lay down.  Work.  Complain he didn't feel good.

The cycle would go on and on for a few more weeks...

 We did our annual boat races....

 The Jacobs would throw their annual Garage Party, and we'd all gather again, toasting to good times, with good people....

 Meanwhile, he continued to feel terrible, but wouldn't put his rod down.

 His birthday rolled around.  He'd barely make it to dinner and back with friends....Too weak, and body feeling overall flu like.  Little did we know his platelets were being gobbled up in record numbers by the hour.

 When we thought his fatigue was from burning the candle from both ends.....

 As I've preached my preach for many years....One phone call.  One phone call. Everything changes. 

 You go from breathing, to sheer panic.  From panic to planning. 

 From planning to praying.  From praying to having FAITH. 

That there is a higher power. That God is working on us.  On me. On him.  On opening our eyes to the world of medicine.  Of the scariest thing just short of losing your child.  Cancer.  Chemo.  A frail, weak body.

Our girl flew to Texas to attend her first college football game during the chaos because it was planned. And she deserved a breather.  A break from the chaos.  TCU Frogs!

 Her ANCHORS.

 Her college friends that grabbed her soul, and whole body and covered her with love. With support, and partnership.  Letting her know, "everything's gonna be alright"

September, the hottest month that I can ever remember.  He'd come and go from the hospital.  Rounds would take a week long.  He'd come home super sick. Super weak. He's suffer all the side effects of chemo.  We'd fly around him offering, sharing, loving, feeding, you name it, we did it.

 I made friends at the hospital.  I'd have his spinal chemo days down to a science.  I also probably shocked some folks with my brassy, notgonnatakeshit attitude when it came down to language barriers, and germs. 

I am sure one day we all might look back on some as down right, nutty.  At one point I fell running up a flight of stairs with ice for his meds to get them, and him home properly. 

 October would soon arrive.  We had a window between rounds.  A fresh home at the lake. One without germs, or people.  It was Halloween weekend, and so we bolted away. Just us. 

Never feeling more grateful.  Still hovering.  But grateful, and together.

Bill and I would take our little boat rides with margarita's in tow.  His support to me, as I would crumble from one hour to the next.  Crying some moments to begin a chuckle because I wanted to be normal again.

All of the sudden we moved the calendar page to November.  After more weeks in the hospital than out.  We'd fall into FALL. A very hot fall- Receiving a call the week before Thanksgiving that A MATCH WAS FOUND-  And so we celebrated at the lake.  Surrounded by not only our little family, but Jens. 

It was a beautiful weekend on the lake, and on the river.  All together. Trying to prepare ourselves for the next few months.  But so grateful and thankful we have him with us to celebrate....LIFE. 

December creep-ed up faster than I truthfully want to admit.  It's a personal thing, but this month has been a tad bit hard- And I say that lightly.  I've battled more anxiety than I have ever endured in my entire 45 chapter pages. 

Kali studied like a bandit.  Nailed her finals, as we knew she would.  Closed out her semester just like we knew she would.  Keeping us proud, and sharply on our toes...

She had a partial dream filled by "seeing" Selena Gomez perform, yet didn't get to meet her as she wished....Someday little Kali...someday.  Never give up. lol

She went to another formal with her bestie.  Drank way too much lemonade.  And water.  Or something.. 

THIS picture was their best of the night.....Someday....I have silly ones to share.  I'll wait until she's a mama. Or bride to be. Maybe then will we ALL get a chuckle. 

We took more lover pictures as the sun said his goodnights in Havasu.  A place where Bill and I escape this normal hectic life.  A place we step away to exhale.  Only this year we've been a little more alert.  More aware. More anxious.  More thankful for where we have come.  To where we are headed.  Together.

Our boy sent more pictures out on the water....doing what his soul wants.  Keeping us so high on our toes, our ballet slippers can't hold us up anymore.  We just know God has his plan in place.  We know that this life in this chapter was made for purpose.  And so we continue to send encouraging love right back to our boy.  We will get through these next pages. 

She continued to do what hard work deserves, and that's "PLAY" and Play hard.  

She arrived in Tahoe yesterday....

And if you question El Nino, don't.  This here kids is our saving Grace.  Because this is the water us Southern Cali and Northern Cali people need!  Enjoy little one....work hard, play harder...!

And the few days we will soak up the love as a family.  We will cherish all the many small things that will mean more during the last few days left.

One of the very first things I felt from the moment our story was shared with family and friends, was love.

Prayers started flowing like the wind.  Perfect strangers would embrace us, and pray.

Nurses prayed.  Doctors stared straight into my face, and whether they believe in any sort of God, they knew.

They knew my fear.  They knew this parenting nightmare was something we'd need strength to get through.

They might not know our army behind us.  They might not know just how much love from our family.  And friends.  They gave me news I never thought I'd have to digest.  And yet, my army stood behind us. 

Behind him.  Even if they didn't know him well. 

Our picture is huge.  This New Year and the beginning days starting on January 4th 2016, will give us Hope. 

We will rely on ourselves for legs to get us to and from.  We will rely on our beating hearts that will pump harder than we ever thought they could as our boy endures 10+ days of intense treatment. We will rely on our cars to get us to that hospital everyday.  We will rely on our smiles to share with the nurses and doctors.

We will rely on our bodies to stay healthy.  We will rely on our hands to share whatever we can for him.  To him.  We will rely on our eyes to share the beauty down below that sixth floor while out about on this beautiful Earth, because this dude loves to be outside, and will be confined for weeks, and weeks.....

Because relying on "things" we will be beyond what we know is true.  God's promise to me will shine.  Those little markers in the sand I keep seeing.  I want to share with you all someday.  I've had some spiritual things happen.  Nothing too detailed, but there. 

I hugged my sis-not-by-law, but by love and she said "Don't you wonder if this divine spiritual intervention was meant to be"-  At times I believe it is.  I don't think God wants to hurt any of us.  I just think this life has been a walk in the park at times when I really thought I had things rough.  Especially as a child, and teen.  And yet, really I didn't. 

Really, I've been handed what God knows I can handle.  I can't always figure it out.  At times I've cried out with wonder.

I've pushed people away during my darkest hours.  And it's not intentional. 

I've had days where I can't talk.  Where I can't push myself to be anything other than just present. 

I remember as a child, I would occupy myself with an imaginary friend.  I would occupy myself with watering flowers and plants, or just exploring. I've never been a tv or movie girl.  At times I wish I could.  Just to escape my mind from it's over thinking. I've always loved music.  I've always loved to be around people that made me happy.

I am grateful for all of you that encourage me through the darkest days.  I can't say this year has been the best.  I've wondered if making a picture book as I do would be a great idea this time around.  

My hope is that through the New Year I will take my camera back out.  That I will start to journal and re-open my passion for photos.  

Often times I am told how lucky we are of Kris' being allowed the entrance to City Of Hope.  How lucky we are that he has a match.  

You guys.  I know this.  I will forever be grateful beyond words.  I wrote our donor a letter, and a card.  In that letter and card you can only mention a few things.  Nothing close to where we are, and who we are.  

We just can't.  This guy will know how grateful we are.  

I'm just scared. 

This shitty impromptu cancer, chemo, fevers, hospital rooms, nurses, doctors, elevators, throw up, diarrhea, 

port, iv carts...watching my baby shrivel into bones.....wasn't what I expected on New Years Day 2015. 

What we did receive was a wave of love.  

A wave from friends and family like I never imagined would flood us. 

In the midst of all the pain, confusion, sadness and fear, we received so much love.

My friends gave me reassurance that they weren't going anywhere.  That they were there for the long haul. 

That my tears could fall and keep falling.  That I could go days ignoring a call, or text.  That they would still be there.  Praying for us.  Praying for my son.  

I hope this New Year has a better chance for HOPE. 

I pray that my kids stay safe, and are here to watch me smile.  To watch me love them hard. 

I've always said I can't wait to watch them go through some of the beautiful chances in life.  Like having children.  A love that you can't explain until you've had the chance to love something that deep.  To try and protect them with your last breath. 

I will tread through deep waters for my birdies.  I will try and find the best of the best as I told him I would.

But for now, I need strength.  I need joy, and love.  I need to know walking through these next few months that God has my back. I have begged him. 

I wake up some nights still with that feeling in my stomach as though I've just dropped on a roller coaster.
I've sat up in my dark room, in the safety of my bed whispering FUCK. To soon walk around my house, returning back to my bed, tears rolling down my cheek caught by my pillow, turning tears into tears....

And then I pray.  I pray that these days will soon become memories. That January 4th, we will walk in as a family.  I will carry my Mama Bird bag that Kris and Jen gave me. I will wear my Mama Warrior sweatshirt that my aunt Nettie and uncle Jeff gave me.  I will have my little cross stuffed in my pocket.  I will encourage and smile at Kris as I always do.  I will hand over my thank you card to our coordinator.  I will make my path, and make friends in a place where we will reside for about 5 weeks.  I will reach out, and I will pull back.

I will pray for wisdom, patience, grace and provision. I will most likely turn my favorite sappy songs on.  I will most likely cry like a baby. 

I will remind myself that 2015 was the year that made a change in my life.  Two Thousand Sixteen.  I am ready for you.  Not really, but really.

I hope you all travel safely to and from your ninja posts.  I hope that you're in a place that you thought you'd be.  Or at least close.  Don't look for material to bring you JOY.  Don't look for others to stroke your ego. 

Don't look for little items that mask happiness. 

If you want to look at what happiness truly looks like?  It's having a healthy family.  It's having healthy friends.  

One thing Kris and I talk about while he's in the hospital, or healing at home, is travel.  How he's always yearned to travel.  

My wish is that someday he can share this story with others.  Share it with someone else in the beginning days of diagnosis.  Helping those in the heartache.  

If there is one thing I would love to help and share with others is navigating through the paperwork scale that was handed to me.  I see what I have in his crisis, and wonder how an elder with no family would navigate.  How a family with no computer experience, or skill to get through some of the days and calls I've had to make.  And continue to make.

Maybe someday Kris and our family can offer our experience through treatment.....

Or maybe, just maybe we never want to look through these chapter pages again. 

I do know one thing for sure. 

I will never ever forget the ocean of love from which we have come from.  And that's from you my friends. 

And family.

Without you, I wonder where I'd be. 

Kris and Kali....if and when you read this.... my promise to you....is I will fight for us, for you, for our family until I can't anymore.  

Your smiles. Your love to me is true.  I loved you both from the very minute I heard your little heartbeats.

And for that.....I am here.  Forever.

I just wish I would have whispered in your little ears---

"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you."

 (- Frederick Buechner)

LET'S DO THIS KIDS, LET'S DO THIS!

City Of Hope, You will receive one grateful family under your branches of tree love.  

Happy New Years Eve-  Go in PEACE.  Spread love and spread kindness.  It's what will help all of us.  Even in the wicked hard days. 

Love to you all, especially walking into 2016!

This Warrior Mama Lisa

Joy And Peace

Our Christmas Eve was exactly what I had in mind, and just a tad bit more.  More love.  More hugs and smiles spread from family members to other family members.  And so I present to you cell phone pic mania....

 How about this sunshine-frowning pic....Happy Birthday Grandpa! We sure miss you playing with all the little ones.  And those beautiful hazel eyes of yours. 

 Cousins. 

 Aunties....

 Aunties and Uncle...

Grammie and her babies....Jio and Jace sure good to see you little sugars...

We managed to take a group photo in front of my Grandma's house.  With her. As Kris arranged a timer on his camera.  My heart so full as I watched him align it for us champagne drinking silly heads.  He never winced.  He just smiled, ran back to the group.  Smiled.  And did this a few times as we all cheered with pure joy that we were "able"- 

Able to be together.  Able to be a part of something just a little more special this year. 

We missed those family members that didn't make it.  We missed our little cousins and their parents.  We missed those hugs.  The holidays become a tad more hectic for all.  I tried to cherish each moment.  Especially at the one house that has held happy memories for me.  My Grandmas.

During the very first weeks of Kris' adventure....back in August, he began searching for a 70's Volkswagen bus.  As he searched and searched we kind of fretted about his impulse purchase.  A purchase that I knew deep down wasn't a bad idea, just more concerned that he was tainted by chemo, and trauma, and crisis.  Hoping this decision wasn't one we'd all be worried about later.  He pulled the trigger and bought it on August 30th-The beginning days we began to worry.  It was lost.  The truck broke down that was hauling it home.  Then it was in an accident.  For days I kept my muzzle on until I got ahold of the towing company and let loose in the parking lot of Kaiser, and again while Bill and I were out of town. Not the time to play hide-n-go-seek with a mother lion who was under distress. 

Long story longer, the bus arrived.  To my brother in laws house.  Where he also has a vw bus.  

It's been there ever since.  Kris doesn't have the money to fix it further, and so his uncle has been kind enough to work on it when he can.  On Christmas Eve, Kris asked that I follow him there, and to take a cruise around town looking at lights.  

The best idea all season.  My heart was so full.  Wayne had lights strung on the inside.  We loaded up. Smiles, and blankies.  And around town we rode....

Small funny glitch, was at one point it would only go from first gear to third.  And so....vrrrooooooooooommmm to vrummmmm.  LOL!  Stuff like that makes me laugh so hard I get tears.  And the ugly face.  LOL!!

All of my heart.  All of my life.

--A place for Kris,  Jen, and Bucksie this summer.....Cuddle, picnic fest 2016--  GOALS-and VICTORY

Christmas morning is becoming just a tad bit different as the kids have grown.  What went from all the tiny details at night, and waiting for them to fall asleep is down to texting Kris and Jen goodnight, and having Kali walk into our room to say "Good night you guys" because she knows I want to lay her final "Boom" gift out there and crawl into bed.  Bill and I used to sit out by the tree and open one gift from each other, while sipping wine and gazing into eachothers eyes.  jk. Not that far, but you know what I mean....haha.

Now, we're both holding our eyes open trying to stay awake.  HA.  

Kali woke at 7:30.  I could hear her feet making their way down the hallway and so I got up.  We both poured our coffee and waiting for Dad.  He'd wake up in shock that we didn't wake him.  If that man is asleep after 7, let that body sleep....same goes for me.

Before you know it she'd be opening her gifts, we'd be handing eachother our stockings and ornaments.  A small tradition we've held close to our hearts. 

His ornament to me, mine to him was a martini glass lol.(he makes the best martini's)  He's always been very creative and for the last ten years has added pictures to his.  Pretty sweet if you ask me.  

Last year he must have shopped without his glasses because the ornament said "Just Married"- I about spit my coffee out while opening- HAHAHAHA!

I made gifts this year.  Home-made and Home-grown. 

 My birdie, Bucks and Jen showed up as I made them breakfast and they opened their gifts....

My Dad sent him this fishing book weeks ago.  He finally had the chance to sit and browse it.  The funny part is my sister and I bought this book for my Dad years ago.  Now my boy is scrolling through...

I love it.  My Dad continued to ask about this book all Christmas Day.  It means alot to him. Kris too. 

The day after Christmas I decided a day date was in order for Bill and I.  After cruising by his Dads to make breakfast we'd head over to Terrenea in PV. It's a place that reminds me of Maui.  A fine place with fine wine and fine food.  Over priced but the view is stunning.  A place I had to snap pictures of my lover. 

 And with my lover.  Lately there are days where I stare at him and remind myself just how lucky I am to walk this shitty walk with someone that loves me whole.  Sometimes I take it for granted.  I guess we all do in life.  

Kali and Bill would get up at 5am on Sunday morning, both headed in the opposite directions.  He to Havasu to get our house ready for snow birdies, as Kali was headed to Tahoe with The Duttons. 

I would received pictures from both.  So cute how their plans for their Mondays were opposite.  

Kali was up high in the Sierra's tucked away at a beautiful pad with the view above.  While Bill was surprising me with these pictures.  He oiled my bench.  A bench I found in the trash years ago. 

What about those windows.....

Meanwhile I am here at work.  Yesterday's highlight was this salad at Pieology.  I am literally addicted to their Classic Salad custom made. I add just about every veggie with raspberry dressing.  I make myself a peach tea and hide in the corner.  Our bank is walking distance, so it's a win win. 

Last night I spoke with both kids. Both asking our plans for NYE.  This year will feel a little different.  I want to sit in the sand. With my love and my boy and Jen.  I want to stare off into the ocean and pray.  I want to have Kris write his Thank You's to his donor.  I want to eat together.  Yearn together.  Plan together.  And build each other up. 

I want to walk into the New Year with Hope.  With Grace.  With Strength. For him and for me.  For us. 

I want to have FAITH.  

Hope your Christmas was filled with everything you wanted....and if it wasn't...remember....someone always has this life way harder, and with way less.

Bless you all.  

Go in peace.  And keep things simple.  Love hard. 

Six more days-

 

This Warrior Mama Lisa

 ps.  As I was in the book store days before Christmas, I turned to find this girl wrapping for donations.
Irony?

Merry Christmas To Love and Peace Lovers.

 Good Morning lovers.  I took yesterday off.  Waking in the early hours that I do, very grateful.  Grateful to be alive.  Grateful to have a little home to shelter me.  Grateful for my cozy bed. Grateful for the birds I finally heard chirping after the beautiful rain that silenced them.  Grateful for my children. For my son and my daughter. Grateful that I have the almost finished gifts on my list.  And just like many of you, I ran around last minute.  Buying a few things to finish my final sweep.  Walking in and out of stores breathing in and out patience.  Even when at times I could feel it leave.  I had a nice lunch with my sister.  I cracked a bottle of wine waiting for Bill to come home.  Sipping in my living room chatting with Kali about the party she attended the night before. With the same group of wonderful friends she's had the honor to be surrounded by since 8th grade.  Those very friends that all went in seperate directions for college, and yet year after year they all gather for two special friends birthdays.  Happy Birthday Kaitlyn and Bianca.  You beauties.  

I heard the many stories of fun.  Of laughter.  Of silly. Of beauty.  Of gathering of the same kids, just older now.  Walking into their twenties.  Guys and girls that dress up in their best, to celebrate. Life.  

Accomplishments.  

I sat staring at my little tree that my friend crafted. Feeling very grateful. And very ready.

I've shared with many friends recently, just how scared I am.  Fear.  Fear is something that tackles us in the night. It tackles us in the day. It tackles us and punches us in the gut when we're least expecting it. 

And so, I pray. I've learned to stop in my tracks and pray.  

I've never been a religious girl. I was raised a mere hippy child, with parents that love this Earth.  All animals, and karma played a big role in my spiritual path. 

I've been taught to do unto others as you expect to be treated.  Side note-Act like an asshole, expect...well..haha.-

Sorry, digressing....

Anyway. I've slowed to learn and listen. To the simple parts of life. To those that reach to me, when they probably have no idea, at my weakest.  (hello Aunt Ronda and Uncle Wade-second parents to me) who've called, and yet I will bawl the whole time on the phone, and so I am a coward, and can't take the call right then, and can't call right back.  They know every.single.part.of.me.  Where I've come from.  They know my roots. My aunt and uncle sat with me back in 1989 when I was 4 months pregnant with Kris at the ripe age of 19 and played "Every little thing is gonna be alright" by Bob Marley-Because we were headed to a 3 stage ultrasound to see what was on Kris' spine.  Everything turned out to be fine, and I soon learned I was having a boy.  It's moments like this, and deep thoughtful days that take you right back.  Right back to 26 years ago.  

 I've learned to read every single Christmas card and to sit and stare at each face. Each particle of clothing they picked.  Every bit of love they put into sending to me.  Every ounce of time put forth. To get it to me.  My friend Mary's return sticker has Ziggy.  I loved Ziggy as a kid.

We took pictures a few years back.  I felt so proud.  So proud to finally have a family portrait.  More so than ever.  I love pictures. 

I have high hopes for 2016.  I really do.  

I've become deep in my spiritual search.  I've read more, and prayed more than ever.  Remember I used to tell you all that life can change in one phone call?  One minute you're gallivanting through life like a boss, and the next moment you are sitting in a corner chair wanting to puke and trying not to faint. It happens kids.  

Life gets real fast.  

My plan is to walk into 2016 with a new perspective. With God.  He's brought US to this mess.  He will bring us back out.  Look at the beauty thus far.  The little mundane moments that we won't let just slip by now.  We are constantly distracted in this life.  

For the next 10 days I want to soak up the minutes.  This life.  Together. When and where we can. 

I want to stop asking people "do you think everything is gonna be ok"?   

Real life is messy.  It's humbled me more than I ever imagined.  I have FAITH.   I want to encourage you.  Inspire you. I want to remind you that no matter how messy this life can get, just have Faith. Have faith. Love hard.  When you're scared like me, just pray.  Look around.  Look at the details in the cards.  Look at the lights deep in the tree.  The ornaments you've held onto.  Look at pictures around your house.  Of your babies as babies.  Look where you've come from.  Today I will head to the cemetery to celebrate my Grandpa Ramirez' birthday, as we do every year.  A small tradition that I hold so close to my heart these days.  I can count on one hand of our family traditions.  This is one.  There's something about pulling up to see family cars.   

Things have a different meaning to me.  

 

My wish for you family and friends is to be still.  Slow to look around.  

I have my little nest filled with everything I need for now.  For the next few months I need strength. I need prayers. We need prayers.  We need strength.  We have gratitude for this young man giving my son stems that will infilter into his body, and go right where they are supposed to go. 2016 will be the year to nurture a new healing body.  For protection. For love.  

For life.  

 

I am forever grateful for each and every friend and family member. 

You have no idea how your book ends have kept me standing when all I want to do is curl up on my bed. In the safety of my four walls. 

I am hopeful we are on the cusp of something different.  Something better in this next chapter. 

Enjoy your Christmas.  Love your loves.  Pause to look around.  Sip good wine.  

There's a full moon, and for the last few days it's been pinching my soul.  I feel it. I see it.  I remind my family, and they laugh and shake their heads at me.  

Be safe, and let things go.  Just like the tides.

To you all, Merry Christmas-  

Go enjoy the little moments.  As cheesy as that quote can be.  Please do.  Go enjoy life.  

We have no idea what tomorrow will hold.  

Love, and big blog hugs....

This Warrior Mama Lisa

Salt Water And Snow.

I started to post something I wrote in the early hours on Saturday, and had to re-think it.  It's so black.  So down, and so deep.  Slices of my soul are cut up.  I have lost a bit of me.  And yet, I still try to see the magic in the holiday. Even when I just want to lay in bed.  It's real kids.

As I stated before I've battled a little bit of depression during Christmas.  I have for years. 

This year I feel/felt like I was keeping it together.  Maybe the adrenaline of life's daily reminders kept me in check.  Maybe staying busy at work answering the worlds questions about fiberglass, and invoices. Or maybe, just maybe I feel like God is at work in my heart.  In our family, and in our home. Or maybe it's the bucket of home-made chocolate chip cookies my friend Erica brought over.  DANGER--- And so I saved that post.  (Maybe for another day)-(maybe not, maybe I can read it later in life and get a good little chuckle)-

I left to finally grab Christmas shopping by the balls, and walked into my first store.  8am. It was freezing out. As I walked into Michaels (hello, my fav store)- The heater was on full blast.  Two things already in my favor.  I knew the day was mine.  I knew that my sad face was turning itself over.  I knew that my path would be peaceful.  And so I shopped.  As much as I could, until the cryingtoddlerhour started.  

I dashed home to make my home-made goods, crank the heater, and stuff bags into closets.  

Yesterday I made a point to shop for a few nights worth of good organic yummy dinners.  I knew Kali was off for an adventure today. 

 And of course, I knew deep deep down, that my oldest birdie was making plans to be right.back.out. on the seas.   Does this FREAK me out? Yes.  

It's 40degrees in the morning.  He can't get sick before Jan 4th.  

Does he want to get his soul filled to the top with all things boat. fish. rods. friends? You bet.

He's gonna be on lock down for over 100 days.  Swallow that. 

I know he's trying to.

He posted a picture on Saturday that made me laugh until I cried that ugly face laugh.  LOL! He's dancing and I had to watch it over and over.  

 

Anyway! How about I put a smile on my face!  Pray I don't get more face cream in my stocking -eh em Bill-

And pray my babies just stay safe. 

Because having fun and living this life, is what it's about.  Right?

 

We aren't guaranteed tomorrow-

Big LOVE, big jumps, and big fish!

GO GET em world. 

Too blessed to be bitter--------  ??

ps-  What is a Turtle Dove?

Love,

NOTScroogette

xo 

  

My Catch With Birds.

I've always been intrigued by birds.  Their beauty.  Their intelligence.  Their Independence. Their dependency. On each other. Their loyalty.  Their travels.  Their being.  Their little families. 

For some reason my kids remind me of birds.  You nest for them.  You feed them.  You protect them.  You'd fight for them.  You'd feed them your last meal.  You soar around while they begin to fly on their own.  And you flutter, squawk and banter loudly if one is injured. 

This past week Kris has felt better than he's felt in months.  He's still pale, and I'm quite sure anemia plays a tiny role in his blood stream.  He stopped by yesterday and I had the time to sit and chat with Kali and him.  Together.  On my couch. Just the three of us.  How it all started, really.  He shared with me his thoughts, desires, and fears.  He shared his appreciation for all that I've done to get him down a path I believe is the best path.  Kali affirming that we will get through this.  We laughed alot, and we all sat quiet as he fiddled through his phone, because he sometimes wants to stop talking about things that bother all of us. Soon he bolted off to get his port changed, and chemo meds picked up...

He was driving to San Diego in the middle of the night to board a big boat.  A sheltered type boat.  One where he can escape wind, cold, and the elements that make a mama fret as he's telling the story.  But I can only be stoked for him.  He's trying to live a normal life of a 26 year old. He's embarrassed of his eye lids.  He wears his glasses all the time because of it.  He won't expose his bald head because that handsome dude is vain. As we all are.  He is tired of being so skinny. So skinny in fact, he must choose a seat with cushion or else it's actually painful to his skinny bum.  

I dedicate this song to him today. I hope today you stay safe, and that you fly...have fun out on the water....where your soul touches the element you love so much--

Seagull You Fly.....

I hope you all have a love-filled weekend.  Remember to forgive.  Move on. Smile at a stranger. 

Pull your patience hat on as you embark into the public scene.  Those knuckleheads need kindness.

Harder than it sounds, trust me.  Especially when people take their kids out shopping when the entire store knows they just need to be home, taking a nap.  

But....Tis' the Season--

Big Love,  Always big love-

This Warrior Mama

Moments Etched In My Heart-

Saturday after Thanksgiving we dined together at The Red Onion in Havasu. 

My heart filled to the very top. 

Happy Thursday to you all---

Keep finding the simple things to etch into your heart-

This Mama Warrior Lisa

And If I Could.

This morning I had some random crazy thoughts at 5am. I was alive. Realizing it was Wednesday.  It was cold.  I heard my coffee machine beep three times.  My kitties were lingering in the hallway waiting for me to slip and glide around them to the bowl.  Kali was in her bed. I have a few important things to take care of...today..MOST important is to head to the pharmacy to shake the building over Kris' Sprycel Chemo med that will keep him alive for the rest of his life and I dealt with not one, or two knuckleheads last night. BUT three.  And so today.....today....they meet----> Mama Lisa (Deb my normal tech manager is on vacation...and the pharmacy world melted)-PRAY FOR ME---

There are 9 days left for me to get my act together.  The heater hadn't kicked on.  My slippers had something in them. It was a sticker. My hair was wild.  Like Medusa in the ride at Disneyland. I started to wonder about work clothes, and warmness.  

Soon, I thought....what DO I want for Christmas.  The kids ask me every year.  This year I want my son healed.  I want a purifier for his room. Realizing these are things I just really need.  I want, but just need. 

Every year I find buying gifts as a scramble to please others.  After all, I just read a quote "The Manner Of Giving Is Worth More Than The Gift"-  

Tis' is true.  We all truly want to hand that perfect gift to our loved one.  Or good friend.  It's something we love to do. 

And then I saw this 

THIS......THIS right here kids was my most favorite gift to see on Christmas morning. The sound of those little wipper snappers making their way around, and most of the times flying off...so you had to let off that little trigger just enough...or the smell from the friction from I don't know what, but such a familiar smell to most of us. 

Then there was this one Christmas morning-

It looked so similar to this. It was purple.  

I ultimately was hit by a drunk driver on it.  With my friend Angie August 1980 (whom I wish I could find)-

We were very hurt...both sent off in an ambulance.  I only saw one picture of my bike after.  And it was not good. 

Then there was the time that our stockings were robbed by ANTS.  Ants in Westminster were brutal. Those little assholes would invade anything left out.  Stockings no exception. I remember crying so hard as my parents tried to come up with ideas to get them off the sticky 70's style candies.  At least our tangerines and walnuts-and many other nuts...were saved. 

And what about this-

I still have one.  I recently almost took it out to give it a shot.  Imagine this after a glass of wine. HA!

So it rings true.  You start to shop, and you see things you love.  But those things you love you can't really afford and so you sit it back on the rack.  Then Christmas comes and you're out trying to make magic for everyone.  Because giving feels good.  It feels good to watch someone smile as they see what you bought them.  At least you hope.  Because the 5/10 chance that shit will land at the next White Elephant gift exchange where people laugh at that gift you bought. Juussst kidding....kinda-

I hope to get my act together.  Like stat.  

I got home yesterday.  I was freezing.  Waiting for furniture deliverers, whom came in like storm troopers and kicked ass putting that bed up in 15 minutes flat.  I needed to dye my hair, but decided to curl up on my bed next to my littlest birdie.  Chatting about things that I need to talk about.  Under that cozy blanket.  Together. 

My reminder to her about enjoying the season.  The little things like that tree in our living room.  To enjoy good food.  That one day her Dad and I plan to get our worlds all together, and make this season a better one instead of the stale one I seem to make.  

 Maybe one day I'll have the time to be crafty and make table settings like this.  

Or catch something like this on the beach....

Whatever I do in this life, is to remind myself.  And to remind others to catch the memories.  Let them etch into our hearts.  Remember those going through tougher times than we are. Because long after we're gone our legacy left behind will be what we DID for someone else.  Not what was bought.  It's the home-made gifts that fill our tummies- It's the bottle of wine shared.  It's the hug when you want to cry and that friend knows.  And so she hugs you again.  It's those cards filled with a years full of good times captured in a camera. 

It's sunsets.  And sunrises. 

It's being together. 

Or how about--

“Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a
good example. To yourself, respect.” ~Oren Arnold

And maybe....that race track.  Just to rip around the corner and watch that car fly----

Happy Wednesday lovers....

Go spread peace, and pull out old sweaters and clothes.  Plenty of homeless you can hand one to this and next month...

Love, 

This Warrior Mama Lisa

Now That I Think Of It.....

Christmas time has always been rough.  For some reason in all the years past, I have battles in my head.  It started years ago just as Thanksgiving was leaving us.  I would become more and more depressed that the holiday season had landed in my lap. Maybe it was working and taking care of the kids. Along with trying to make magic for employees at work.  You know the drill.  Leaving for work early in the morning, and coming home at dark.  Homework, memorizing bible verses.  Soccer practice.  Preparing dinners, lunches planned for the next day....

Trying to get the perfect cards for my list of family and friends.  

And then the magical side of trying to Christmas shop with money you really aren't budgeted to spend.  But you run around anyway, trying to find the perfect gift. It was just me.  Type A.  Trying to do it all. 

When all of the sudden I would be in tears.  Crying at every Christmas song that came on the radio.  Crying at the thought of those less fortunate. 

Last year the same thing settled into my bones.  I did what I could, pulling my Christmas boxes down and out of every small crevice that a house built in the 50's can hold.  Untangling cords.  Looking at each and every ornament my babies made. Or had a picture placed inside.  I never did get around to putting lights on my  al'naturel' tree.  But I did stuff ornaments here and there.  I managed to put the wind up Christmas box on my table.  Along with the little bits of whatever was convenient for me.  

Christmas morning was just Bill, Kali and I. Doing my magical magic that night.  Pulling out her stocking to stuff it with all the junk goodness I had ran around to get.  

Not to mention the gift after gift she opened to find some 6 months later shoved into her closet.  Tags still adorned.  Things she "oh my goodness Mom, so cute"-  Really deeeeep down didn't like.  But ya, went with it. 

This year is different. 

This year we've been given a different holiday and season to celebrate.  I pulled out a little silver tree I have.  I pulled out a few decorations I've had through the years.  Two of which ended up making the cut into my Donation To The Vets huge pile that was picked up last week.  Anyway....all this to say. I am trying. 

I have a little stack of Christmas cards that have arrived, yet haven't made it to my wall.  By the way, I LOVE receiving Christmas cards.  It's such a gift to me. 

I am navigating my workload.  Kris' medical paperwork.  His banking.  Kali's school stuff, and finances. 

Finally caving to Kali this week asking her to run around and shop for me this week. 

I have to move my plants out of my house weeks before Kris comes home (due to mold spores)- I have to wipe everything down in his room with vinegar.  His bed is arriving today, with a new mattress on Friday. 

I will be nesting like a nester for my bird.  RIGHT in the middle of the holiday season.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Can't put my finger on exactly what it was.  Just rough. 

I pulled in my driveway in the dark.  Walked to my porch.  Eyeing my mailbox for yet another huge stack of "medical" paperwork.  I look over, and I see this pokey tall thing. 

This tree.  

From my friend Erica.  At first, I started to think of who it could be. 

But then I noticed the familiar love for natural love.  You guys.  This picture does it no justice. 

Those are cotton balls. And that alone my friends......is pure glory.  And yes, cry baby, cried.  

-------> go ahead, roll them eyes kids...

One gift.  For Tori.

After I set it up in the corner.  I plugged it in.  I kept going back out to stare at it.  The little details. 

The time she spent. The hand work and love she put into this tree.

And guess what?  It's not real. It can stay with me in that little corner until July! 

It will give me Love. Hope. And moments that I may feel scared, I can remind myself to "Believe"-

Because Family is what is keeping me going.

Friends.  Neighbors.  The girl that has watched me come and go for over 15 years.  She knows my story.  She watches my drill. She knows my style.  She knows my kids.  She's watched growth, and she's watch change. 

I shared with her last week just how scared I am.  I am nervous to get through the next few months. 

You know the excitement of finding a donor is real. I get it. 

But as a mama, you have an enhanced view of it all.  Let's just say maybe a little more sensitive. 

Or scared shitless.  

whatever.  you feel me right?

And so to know I have a couple of homegirls on my street that get me.  That are residing hundreds of feet from my door step.  That care. 

One was with me the night he was diagnosed.  While the other learned through social media.  To reach out. 

Putting her homemaking arms around my shoulders.  

And so, my mind has been shifted. My soul is learning to live.  To be strong, when I feel so weak.  

And when I feel weak, I will remind myself of the love.  I have a cactus I look at from my friend Nikki-I have a little wreath from my friend Laura.  I have a blue feather from my cousin Mindi. I have this tree that will keep my eyes on LOVE.  FAITH. HOPE. PEACE. FAMILY.

Because in the end, that's what the holiday season is all about. 

Peace be with you-

This Mama Warrior Lisa

Slices of Laughter--and Lap Tops....

One of the things I realize I miss, is taking pictures.  The day Kris was diagnosed and admitted, I was on my way to dinner with my friend Laura.   I had switched purses into a smaller one for the important things.  Money, lip gloss and phone.  That night I came home from the hospital to never not only carry that purse again, but I haven't had the desire to hold that camera.  And my bigger bag that holds my camera.

I will forever probably feel like a tiny slice of my soul left.  A smidget of Lisa will forever be gone. Don't get me wrong, I still love a good laugh. Good wine.  My friends, and the great things in life.  Silly-ness will never leave me.  But there is something that I can't rock out of me. 

I just feel like a tiny bit of me is tainted.  This morning while in line at the post office.  For stamps.  STAMPS. For work. The guy working was so cheerful and really kind, had all the questions firing at me.  "So are you done with Christmas shopping"-  How's the holidays treating you--Do you want holiday stamps, or just regular--I continued to answer all the questions with phoney-ness-  Yup! and Great!  All short of Jazz Hands....deep inside, I'm like shitting because I have now purchased 3 gifts. 

Cards? nope.  Gift wrap? nope. Tree? nope.  Holiday stamps? nope.  

Over the weekend we had our annual holiday boat parade.  Except this year, I didn't want to really have a gathering.  We were originally expected to admit into COH. Today.  And so....I thought if anything, we'd all curl up together on our patio and just be.....us.  

But then you get texts' and reminders from your homegirls who remind you that "pot luck" is the new rave-

And don't worry Leese, just make it small, just us, and some wine. And hugs.  And things just work out. 

But still......no camera out.  

The parade was...eh.  o...........k.   Nothing to brag about.  But.....you know the drill, no plans are the best plans. 

And so you will recognize my peanut butter and jelly in life.  The girls that hold me up.  The families that come together.  For me.  For Bill. And most especially for my birdies.  

Kris was happy to have a few friends over.  And remembered to "fist pump" people, with no hugs. 

He.Can't. Get. SICK. 

Kris however DID have his camera out, along with his buddy. Those snappin' dudes have plenty in their cameras.  Maybe someday my boy will edit some of his mama, decreasing my nose size, adding to and from where needed.  jk.  LOL. 

And so, I offer you un-edited....cell phone, FB stolen.......... shots.  Of our night. 

 3 pictures-  Over achiever right....?

Meanwhile on the college front---As I was cooking and pulling out all of my decorations...Kali sending me texts' of her life.  In the library.  Studying.  3 Finals.  Today. 

And as we partied through the night, I kept reminding myself that even though we were missing our littlest birdie she was doing what needs to be done. Moving mountains.  One pebble at a time. 

I would remind her that a storm was brewing.  Kali loves rain, and she LOVES stormy weather.  

What better way to study....inside, with this view. 

Doing it. 

Owning it.

Winning it.  

She comes home tomorrow.  She'll be home through the holidays, and for the first part of brothers adventure.

Proud of you Kali! 

We missed you little one, but couldn't be more proud. YOU are making things happen.

There's always more parades...

Happy Monday-

Remember to cherish what can't be replaced---

Moments-

This Warrior Mama Lisa

Little Holiday Sale

If you're looking for good deals- NEXT Saturday....head on down to ^^^^^  Get some shopping done and save on shipping and mall parking lots!

Happy Friday to you all....

Be good, Santa's watching....

Peace on Earth, good will to all...

This Warrior Mama Lisa

You Learn.

You learn the minute you walk into the building, those around you are fighting the fight. 

You learn that being greeted by a smiling face showing you the way is what makes the difference.

You learn that from admitting, receiving your NEW medical record number, they care.

You learn the gentleman Danny, taking the lead to each and every stop you must make (4 appts), knows.  He knows the fight.  He knows the strength of a beanie hiding lost hair.  He knows the mama warrior standing there is petrified, yet strong and so he shares uplifting stories.  Testimonies of those he's witnessed fight and win.  He's been there 25 years.  It is his passion.  He puts his arm across Kris' shoulders as we walk onto our next appt. affirming that "everything is gonna be okay"-  His kindness never faltered.

You learn the class you sit in for transplant patients that cancer isn't prejudice.  It tackles rich people.  Poor people. White people. Black people.  Mexican people.  Asian people. Skinny people. Chubby people. It tackles people sitting in that room alone.  Bald.  Relapsing with an even bigger tumor.  Asking questions because they are probably scared to death.  Soon making her way to us, asking questions. 

You learn that each person you come in contact with....cares.  

You learn the terms of BMT. Counts. Meds.  Coordinators and their purpose.  Advance directives for important decisions scary or not.  You must deal with it. 

You learn the strength, and fears of your boy.  Those you already know, yet watch him filter some more.

Sometimes offering me that side smile with his little dimple.  And cute eyes with missing lashes. 

You learn the cafeteria is just like the others.  Doctors, nurses, humans, personnel and families.  Eat.  Because they need to.  Nothing fancy, but nourishing.  Watching clocks, and checking schedules. The hustle continues. Lives being saved. 

You learn that this place is over 100 years old, yet it feels like the interior is less than 5.  

You learn that people with hair are still in a battle.  Whether returning for a visit for a check up, or brand new learning the path ahead.  And so you never judge.  My staring problem was on fleek.  

You learn that your son wanted to drive because he feels good right now.  And so you sit in the back seat while they navigate like a normal couple down that morning traffic-y freeway.  And you become car sick because you don't want to look at the road because you are a back seat driver.  Just trying to let him and her live a normal life.

You learn his cancer is still in remission, but this path is needed to help fight off the rest.  (Philadelphia Chromosome) 

You learn the radiation area was most enlightening.  Where people came down halls in wheelchairs holding puke buckets, wrapped in blankets. In the fight for their life.  No other way.  And so they try and pry a smile at you.  Your heart melts for them.  For you.  For your son. You watch a girl walk in asking if her "girl" is done with treatment to be told, "not yet"- But when you finally see her come down the hall, bald, very sick but so happy to see the love of her life, it made a sliver of light fill the elevator.  Love in sickness and in health. Humanity.

You learn there's an interesting smell in that waiting room, but you can't put your finger on it. And so you know it will linger.  Forever. 

You learn that his new doctor and transplant team, care.  She discussed the process, from brutal, to beautiful. How at about 2 weeks post transplant the cells become friends, and make peace.  How they know exactly what to do the minute they enter his body.  And as she explains you have loppy tears that want to fall, but you look down and through your bag because you don't want that awkward stare from everyone in the room. She hugs you as she leaves after showing how perfectly matched our donor is.  And possibly in Germany.  Ya, swallow that kids. 

You learn that even though exhausted after a long day of gathering your tools for this project, you are enlightened.  

You learn at the end of the day your boy is antsy and a tad bit grumpy.  Because he's nervous but ready to get this going. 

You learn that his girlfriend is a rock and lighthouse for him. 

You learn that bringing him home will in fact be the scariest moments in my life, but worth getting through. 

Having a newborn at home with a monitor to make sure he's okay.  

You learn the path of this nasty fight has been 5 months, but if all goes as planned we might look back some day as the hardest year in our lives.  

You learn that prayer is working. 

You learn that family, people, friends, and neighbors have never meant more. Until now.

You learn that pushing, asking, going, doing, squirting oil in the squeeky wheel made things progress. 

You learn that getting car sick yet again on the way home is what this life is all about.  Making myself lay down and be thankful.  For the chance to sit in his back seat in traffic while they navigated their thought of the day, and you do what moms do and just sit quiet.  You get home and lay on your bed in silence after pulling your warrior pony tail out because your head is pounding, and your tummy is upside down. 

You sip gatorade, and begin to plead your thankfulness.  

For this chance.  To be in the backseat.  Car sick or not.  He's alive to drive me.

Today I will clean out my files from Kaiser.  I will switch my world over to City Of Hope. 

Bottom half Kaiser-Top half COH- All mandatory to keep around...

We have an admit date of January 4th.  For a new life.  And just like a new baby, there will be lessons.  Learning curves, with sick days and good days.  There will be dark days and bright days.  

That rollercoaster I stood in line for isn't over yet.  But for now, at least we are here.  He's feeling good.  

Just trying to fatten him up.  His daily duty of eating is a task in itself for all family members involved. 

You learn that The City Of Hope is that place I drove the very first weekend he was sick.  When I promised him I would do whatever I could do to save him. 

Until my last breath. 

 Because there is always HOPE----

 And worth mentioning here is this dude was starving. Very fidgety and beginning to lose his kindness beanie, so this shot is worth a million bucks.  He first stood in the middle and wasn't going to move. LOL

He did this for me. 

And for that.....Thank you Merkamer. Thank you.

Until my last breath bubby, Mama will keep her warrior boots pulled on tight.

Look where we are--

Happy Thursday lovers.  Be kind.  

 This Mama Warrior Lisa

A Tree-Less Christmas.

This year I made it sadly clear to Kali that our traditions will be different this year.  Not to be Miss. Scrooge in full force, but I guess kind of.  

I just can't handle the hustle and bustle of trees, ornaments, lights, and poinsetta's, holly or mistletoe.  Just not doin' it. Her most favorite part being the morning of Christmas to walk out with Santa's loot being left behind.  I still make it magical every.single.year. 

Except this one.  

This one, we'll celebrate in different ways. Next year, we'll shoot for the stars---

What I am doing this season is enjoying moments.  Moments spent with K & K.  Hopefully enjoying good food.  Good wine.  And good times.  I'm avoiding the next chapter, yet embracing it full force. I am getting a room ready for my boy to come home to.  A room that will be put together delicately.  As in, you can't do any changes to carpet, walls, or wood. There's a jive in the process of mold, dust and molecules that do not mesh well with BMT patients.  And so....

Here's a glimpse of our littlest.  Enjoying the beginning of the season.  

Sharing good times with her best friend.  The best friends that keep her spirit flowing -
Ya, that means you too Mackenzie...xo

Because Mama won't buy a tree. 

Happy Humpday..

Be good, and remember  "If the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress" 

GO SPREAD PEACE. 

This Mama Lisa aka Scrooge Warrior-