Things Only A Mother Understands.

 To refrain from using my blog title to say something like "Things only parents understand" feels a little grey to me. Like the void in comments after we say them. Did we really mean that?  Or did we hold back from how we really feel to fluff up feelings for others? My point here is when it comes to "Proposals" and "Engagements" my whole heart feels like a mother has countless dreams for their children. Whether a boy or a girl, we want the milestones for them. Whatever their lifestyle choices may be, we deep down want the milestones.  Some choose to wait. Some choose a different path. Some wait a lifetime to find what they're looking for.  As a mother, we sincerely want them happy, healthy, and safe. But we also yearn for the embedded milestones we've been enriched to adore.  For me and my true self, I wanted my kids to find a lifetime partner. Get engaged. Get married. Have kids.  Our journey got tossed a bit along the way, and that's okay. But for my son, watching his journey has been nothing but a Cinderella story if you ask me.  If you peek back in le blog you'll see my updates during his transplant.  How a mom becomes a momcologist without the medical background and pay.  What she wore was the bravest, strongest hat that some of us have to wear. And some don't have to wear. Just typing this out I get sweaty armpits, lol, and a racing heart.  But maybe that's good. Maybe God wants me back in the driver's seat to justify how good He is.  How our journey may have helped someone.  Anyone. 

Fast forward 8 years later. 

To today. 

I'll swing by my son's house and hopefully drop his favorite lunch. While he works I'll listen to his kind demeanor and reassuring soul to humans around the nation sorting through loan info. He'll whisper to me he's super busy and sorry, and the dogs will love on Grammie, and I'll leave with a smile on my face because he's alive.  He is my little gold coin I was able to keep.  Unlike some that left us too early. I still get the chance.  I'll stare at the house they've made a home. How the VERY shy girl he brought to our home to meet 4 years ago is now his "Fiance".  A word I wondered if he'd get the chance to say.  He bought her ring months ago.  As it was being made, Kali and I were hovering weekly with allllll the questions a sister and mom would want to know.  Where are you going to do the proposal?  His reply was, that she doesn't want anything super grand and super crowded, she's not into that.  So we'd wait. Kali would pipe in with her meaningful suggestions.  I'd protect both Kris and Kali going back and forth. Explaining to one why the other is suggesting options. LOL.  Our Kali has her vibe, while Kris and Lexi have theirs. And of course, you sprinkled in mine and we had a proposal soup.  

On Saturday we'd execute the idea. (a couple boat related hiccups but with patience and trust it worked out)  She had NO IDEA the day was here. Hence the reply to her mom on the dock...." MOM, YOU LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE IN SWEATS?!" we laughed and laughed and reminded her that proposals are most genuine when girls do not know.  She knew the day was coming but had no idea when. Perfect, if you ask me! 

So looking back at their story just melts me. Their life here in Arizona with their dogs. Their lifestyle of working hard, fishing, being a nurse, still in school, and keeping a super cute house.  ALL OF IT. Makes me sit back in my seat and just think....woah. WOAH...

I used to chuckle deep down when people would say "God is good" because I thought, well what about us sitting in the hospital room soaking in the depths of Hell. What about me awake at night with a pounding heart on how I was going to save my son.  What about me trying to figure out how I would live without him.  How would I LIVE WITHOUT HIM?  There are numerous times I've questioned religion and God.  But if you see our story. My story.  You will see the Hope that God is in fact there.  That God does have his hand in it all. At least that's what I flip my negative thoughts into. 

With all the craziness in the world right now it's my righteous time to give thanks. To look at both of our kids and praise Him. 

A son who proposed to the sweetest girl. A son who is still here. 

The day was long, fun, and full of people we had no idea were there to cheer from an event upstairs. 

Sorry, Lexi! HA!

And as far as the birds and their poo......

Well, they were there before us so we'll let it go this time! HA!

All hands in the air, CAN I GET AN AMEN.....

AMEN!

To be here. Right now. To love, laugh, and all the cheesy signs I have hanging in my house that refer to "Family" and the moments we took for granted. It's our time. It's their time. 

This my friends, THIS is love and life.

Peace,

This Mama Lisa 

Knock Knock HELLO?

Hello is right!

It's been a minute since I popped on here to give the latest and greatest...

The last time I settled in to write and "blog" was shortly after the kids got married (K&G Rapoza). I was lingering out of the post-wedding slumber. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, and then again it feels like it was an eternity ago. The last 6 months have given us more love, pride, gratitude, and happiness than I've felt in my entire life. You see, it seems I've been a busy bee running wild to keep afloat and to keep our family nest happy.  Then those chapters close and the book seems to slide up on a shelf for us to reminisce on years from now. My book.  My view of motherhood. My take on partnership. My take on retirement. My take on the life we make as mothers. The hard work, sweat, and lots and lots of tears navigating through some of the hardest days of my life. 

The new book we are watching be written by our kids is the most compelling if you ask me.  It's like the baton has been handed to them. It's the beauty in being the spectator instead of the manager.  It's the praise for all that we are witnessing. To me, this is what life is all about. I'm not saying that the days that lay ahead will be unscathed and flawless.  But I will say, that the tools and foundation our kids have, will have lots of goodness. They will see the flip side of our love for them.  The sleepless nights we'd lay awake finding all resources to make things right. Whether that be colleges, jobs, disease treatments (fuck you cancer), or simply finding the right partner for life.  

When Kris first moved to Arizona, he was working at a Bike, Boat, and Kayak rental place.  I walked down one morning to take him a breakfast burrito. As I approached my son with a bandaid on his nose, a wide-brimmed hat, and a very thin statute, I was saddened.  I kept it in, but deep down I knew he was better than that.  Shortly before that, his dad made it very clear he was to jump into real estate and get his mortgage license. So I stood there watching him eat his burrito ever so slowly as always lol. I prayed he'd continue to study the book that lay in front of him. And study he did. When he went to take that test he passed the test with the highest score that the gal at the desk had ever witnessed. Bill drove with him down to Phoenix to take that test, and they'd come home with a fishing boat Kris bought.

Fast forward. Today he's been with the same mortgage company for 2 1/2 years. Earning more than he ever has. On the outskirts of buying his first home. I pulled into their driveway last week and as I sat in my car staring at his house it hit me.  Look how far he's come! Lexi working at the hospital (she came up here and cut hair for 2 years).  They're doing it! He overcame the hardest chapters ever.  Do they haunt us? Sure. I have just now started tossing remnants from those fucked up days. And months. Something so sickening to want to keep all my notes. All my recommendations for doctors, chemo, treatment plans, facilities, and business cards from doctors.  Some I loved, some I loathed. Each time I toss something from that chapter, it doesn't go away.  But it does seem to lighten the load. Mentally. 

In July of last year, Bill and I were low-key waiting for Kali and Grant to drive up.  On a Sunday......

A Sunday, of which our daughter doesn't take unnecessary time off. Not that visiting her parents was unnecessary, but you get my gist, right? On that day when she walked in, I had brunch ready to be served. And when she walked into her room here and grabbed for a bag, while Grant sat at our counter. I knew. I knew.  Funny how a mama's intuition leads the way.  Always. When I reached into that little bag and grabbed the "stick" I knew.  We hugged, cried, laughed, and hugged some more. After planning a wedding for a year and recuperating from that, I thought woah, buckle up buttercup, things are about to get real, REAL! When they came to visit she was mere weeks.  To the point of us staring at the ultrasound picture and calling the baby a crumb.  Even questioning if "something" was in fact in there. 

The weeks and months to follow have been nothing but surreal to me.  If someone were to ask me how to describe this chapter, I'd say, "shocking". You see, I've always dreamed of watching my babies get married. I've dreamed of watching my daughter be proposed to. To walk the aisle with the man of her dreams, and of course, ours. That happened and then to see her glow, carrying her own baby, is absolutely wild. WILD. And it feels SO GOOD! 

So the point of my relaunch into my blog is simply to keep my journal going. For them. For us. And for baby. The countless hours I spent journaling and sharing our life here at one point kept me sane. It also gives for a memory jog at times.  To stare at what I was feeling. Moments we shared as a family. With some friends and family that are still here and some that are gone.  It's our story. 

And I'm back baby.  

Not even 4 weeks yet....

HAPPY!

In the weeks to come I'll continue to share what the last 7 months have looked like for us.  

God has been working behind the scenes with me, and it hasn't always been easy.  Digesting things I know are good for me, and things and people I know are not. At times it does prove to be painful all around, but worth searching for answers, and that is what I've been doing. Resetting in ways only I know will work. 

One thing motherhood has taught me is the days are long but the years are short.  If someone told me that with a newborn in one hand, and a young son running amuck close by I'd probably cuss you out under my breath.  But the years do fly by and the truth behind that quote stings.  And learning the "sting" is what makes you miss those days, and puts everything, and I mean EVERYTHING into perspective.  

Which brings us to today. 

To this year of 2024.  

To have a granddaughter on the way. 

To feel a baby kick and squirm in your baby.

To watch your daughter make a home with her husband. 

To have a son building his life the way he finally wants and deserves.

To watch a future daughter-in-law make her nursing dreams come to fruition.

To watch sunrises and sunsets in the desert sitting next to my partner. 

To hug my guy on sad days of melancholy and know he misses it too.

But to know we're on a level playing field now.  Growing old and taking care of each other.

Built on love and dreams.

Today, this is what our life looks like.  And through the pain, through the tears and darkest days, I slid out from beneath.  This is our "Today"

Because in the end, when this is all over, I want them to look back at us, and say "Thank you for being there while you could"

That's my only wish...

Until we chat again...thank you for hangin in there with me. 

This Mama Lisa 

PS. Next up, we have an ENGAGEMENT! hint. hint. Krisssopherrrrr and LEXI!

I'll elaborate more in my next post. 

LOVE is in the air.....

* sad reality....I started blogging in 2008. Family far and wide would keep in touch that way. Especially those that didn't have social media.  Like my Aunt Cece whom has since passed. And that alone breaks my heart. Talk about a tablespoon of reality. (insert the broken heart emoji) Also, if you're new here, I tend to sprinkle my writing with an occasional F word. And for that I am sorry I am not sorry. LOL.

No, seriously though. I write what's on my mind. And if my gut says F word, my fingers type F word.

Love you. Mean it! LOL!