Over the last few months, or maybe even weeks while navigating through loss, family, wedding planning, and life, I've been enlightened, yet once again what is important.
What is important in this fast life....Our souls?
Planning a wedding with our daughter, yet glancing over my shoulder at my aunts mourning the loss of their mom. Grandkids that maybe held on lightly and now she's gone. I stopped in on Saturday to visit her partner of 25 years. The sadness in his eyes, yet gratefulness for the visit. The moments he'd speak of her to abruptly stop and stare down at his remote for the tv to hold back tears. He said she was there. He feels her. He said mostly at night. All I could do is just stare at what love at the end looks like. A home that still smells of her. I could smell her Jean Nate' the minute I walked in the door. I didn't feel sad when I walked in. As a matter of fact, I felt embraced. Just like forever and ever for 52 years, that home never changed. The same little decorations that meant so much to her. Her kitchen window is lined with little trinkets. Something I find myself gathering at times. As a matter of fact, as I sit here and type I found a shell that stood out and he's in my pocket and I never bring shells home. Something about the curl of the top. My lucky shell. Just like her home. There are lucky parts to all of us. From the front door to the smell of her, that lingers. I couldn't stare into her room. A place she loved to be in.
This life.
It's got dust in corners, and old pictures adorn the walls. Mostly pictures of her family. Of all her grandbabies. Me included. Pictures of my mom and dad whom I don't see but can see the history of their ability to try. I felt love in the chair I sat in. As a matter of fact, it was the chair I last saw her sit in while she tried to sweep the fog away from her dementia mind. She would kind of pretend to know people at the end, but I felt like she knew me. I knew she felt Tina and knew Tina. It was heartbreaking at the end for her closest daughters to tend to a woman of beauty that outright refused to take a shower. The complete opposite of what she raised us all to be.
This life.
I sat there for a few hours with Gene. Listening to his stories about serving in the Vietnam war. He showed me photos of his brother's funeral that he watched live on his phone an hour before I arrived. You guys..... He died a day after my grandma. His love. Then his brother. They sent his body to Oklahoma for burial. Again, showing me the picture, telling me a short story about his brother Johnny, to have to stop and regroup. I could see his lip quiver and his eyes squinted as he tried so hard to share his sadness yet the strong serving US Veteran wouldn't let it out completely. So we just sat there quietly.
This life.
All along I thought if he feels and hears my grandma here. Then she's here. And I hope she knows we will love on Gene. I will. When I got my things to go I stared along the family room wall lined with our family tree. The old stereo cabinet is lined, and I MEAN LINED with photos of every single daughter, son, my grandfather, along with every single grandchild and great-grandchild in our family. Some made me smile, and some made me tear up. Something I learned recently about my grandma- she kept every single card someone would send her. Whether it was a birthday card, Mother's Day or a simple thank you. She kept them. Some were sent from our mom to her in the '70s. Talk about love.
This life.
When I hugged him goodbye I told him I loved him, and I'd be in touch. Thanking him for loving my grandma the best he could for all those years. I began to cry, pulled out, and did my traditional honk as we do when we leave. Passing the ice-cream truck with his wonky tonk music blaring. Hoping to see the tamale man as I pulled away....maybe that was meant to be. I just don't want that house to change, and yet it will. It has to.
This life.
We're planning a wedding for our littlest. The irony of what's so important to her right now might be a dusty road later, yet she doesn't see that right now. Right now, we need the right stamps she loves lol. Right now, it's the little details and timelines that mean the most. To her. To me too, but I'll always sit a little to the side to let her sort it out. Then quietly add my two cents. If this is the chapter she chooses to make the way she wants, well.....then let's go for it. She knows I will always be in her corner.
This life.
My therapy?
THIS WEEK.
LAST WEEK.
I walk the beach most mornings. Some mornings are just more beautiful than others. I don't think there will ever be a bad day walking along the shoreside, but some mornings it's like the shells line up to greet me. Some days it's so windy I push to get through, but then thank my lucky shells I have the chance and opportunity to do so.
This life.
So this song comes on at the jetty as I reach the end.
I think of my girl. I think of my grandma. I think of my mom. The women that influenced me to be and do better even if the intention wasn't laid out the way we would expect.
Stay humble. Love those you love, hard. Never fail to sneak in compliments and praise. Especially to the kids. Build em up. Always. This next generation needs it more than anything.
Don't give up. And spread kindness like glitter. Paper glitter lol. Not that shiny stuff HA!
I hope this song inspires some of you, like it did me this morning.
All That You Have Is Your Soul
Oh my mama told me
'Cause she say she learned the hard way
She say she wanna spare the children
She say don't give or sell your soul away
'Cause all that you have is your soul
Peace and Love,
Lisa
PS: Will the things we fret about today really be that big of a deal 5 years from now?
Love.
This life.
Is fast......
