A few years ago I remember jotting down all the beautiful things I'd want to pour my heart out in this blog. About butterflies and lily pads -lolz!. I'd sit down, put on my good music, and type away.....
Life was grand, minus the tiny bits of "stress"...or anguish I'd watch my kids go through.
You know, break-ups, heartbreak, friendships, financial decisions...etc.
Life was grand, minus the tiny bits of "stress"...or anguish I'd watch my kids go through.
You know, break-ups, heartbreak, friendships, financial decisions...etc.
We'd step away as a couple laughing the weekend away....
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| Little Did I Know--- LOL- (I posted this in 2014) |
I can remember the days of taking pictures of all the mundane things we enjoyed. Cups of coffee. Wine. Ocean waves. The kids. Their friends. Kali's prom shoes she wore 2 hours on one night of the year. Bucksie, Bucksie and more Bucksie.....
All the little sweet, and not so sweet things I shared with you.
All the little sweet, and not so sweet things I shared with you.
Monday morning as I put myself together for work and was staring at circles under my eyes I could feel the shift of the month. Reality that the weekend bliss was over, (bliss for my weekend was gardening, meal planning and cooking a big pot of chili and chicken rice soup) and the grind of the week was truly, and really...in my face. I sipped my coffee, lower back hurting, waiting for this months season premiere of shark week. Mind racing. Music playing from my iPad. That John Denver station I had to change over to Norah Jones because tears just got the best of me. The pity party of this life. My new life. Kris' new life. Kali's life ahead of her as a young female in this big hardened world. This world of death. Shootings. Violence. Terrorism. I literally turned the news off although I love local news, weather, and sometimes traffic. It all just sucks. Shooting here. Shooting there. Media interviewing a father that just lost a son. Why do we do this? Heartbreak and more heartbreak.
I literally stared at myself in a pity party. That Monday morning was a pity party for Lisa. The tired human that must push through. Realizing later, daylight savings sucks ass.
At one point I reminded myself something I so often preach.
At one point I reminded myself something I so often preach.
YOU HAVE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE WILL EVER HAVE...SOME HAVE NOTHING!
You have your son!
You have your son!
Many times I sit back down on my bed. To pray and to meditate.
Kris and Jen have a much needed trip planned next week. To a place they've never been. To a place that offers warmth. Ocean. Sand. Fishing. Good people. And God please help them, with good food. A place called Cabo San Lucas.
Where kind people greet you.
And then it hit me. I needed to change his appointment from 11/17. He wouldn't be here for that day of labs, and appointments. I needed to send that text to him. Opening up that conversation on a Monday. I secretly despise sending him things related to bone marrow appt changes. labs. It's like this disgusting procrastination I want to do.
Hide.
Hide.
I needed to get in touch with his doctors office to order Zpak (strong antibiotics for any possible issues that "could" come up) He needs all meds refilled just in case...etc.etc.etc. fucking etc!!! That chemo warning bag so he doesn't get harassed by border agents.
The same pattern takes place. My email turns into action. Action turns into labs. Labs turn into a video appt at 4pm.
Tuesday morning. 11/7/17 (our lucky number 7's)
He waits. I wait.
THIS MOM SITS AND FRANTICALLY WAITS FOR THAT EMAIL THAT READS
"YOU HAVE NEW LAB RESULTS"-
The labs come in, the mom sorts through. There's 12 to be exact. My under arms sweat until I open each and every one. Whites, Platelets, Lymphocites, Basophils....
My eyes swish back and forth...lolz
It's no surprise to you that labs pull me down like a weight. I must choose between getting ready for work that morning, or curling up like a fucking freak mess and pretending this isn't our life.
It's labs.
Some might read this and roll their eyes....
"He's fine, why is she such a weirdo"..
It's a warrior mom life forever kids.
Some might read this and roll their eyes....
"He's fine, why is she such a weirdo"..
It's a warrior mom life forever kids.
Isn't it true that as a mom you live this life to pardon your kids of pain. Of bad news. Of hurt. So the last thing you'd ever want to do is call them with labs or something that is off?
Am I right?
They all looked perfect.
It's almost to the point of normal like you and I. Where platelets are staying in the 250-300 range. Whites are up in the 7/8 now. The day he was put in the hospital his platelets were at 40.
Whites at 2.
So why o' why do I get so nutty you guys!?
It's gonna be okay.....I tell myself this over and over. My sister proclaims just how good he looks. But my fucked up mind says cancer isn't fair to those that look good. Cancer is an asshole and lurches in the dark and grabs families by the neck. It's not kind in the way of "do good, be good, all is good"-
{This picture is amazing to the highest level. Jen drinking this beer, in some garage somewhere just yells, "gives zero shits, it's Saturday, and everything is better when we're together"}
GET. IT. GIRL.......
{This picture is amazing to the highest level. Jen drinking this beer, in some garage somewhere just yells, "gives zero shits, it's Saturday, and everything is better when we're together"}
GET. IT. GIRL.......
My new uncle Jeff wears Kris' bracelet still. The orange Captain Kris one. He proudly told me while I stayed with them during my mama's surgery, that he'll cut it off when Kris reaches two years.
That resonated so so deep in me.
2 years is a huge marker.
1 year was.
100 days was.
Each day is.
But 2 years is all that much better.
I get it Jeff. I get it.
I thank you. Although I find those orange bracelets around my house and I want to run to the trash and toss them to the very bottom. But then I remind myself of the journey. Of how close our family bound together. His friends.
He and I.
Jen, and him.
All of it.
It's truly a miracle.
Today I had another slow odd morning. One I will blame on shark week asshole-ness.
Or lack of sleep.
I've betrayed my Daily Bible reads. I've betrayed the gym this week, when I did so well last.
I've stared at myself longer each morning. Praising myself for keeping it together when I've just wanted to not do anything.
Working hard to support myself and those we employ. Watching Bill work 6 days a week right now because this is slow season and things just get sideways.
Thank you Tina again. For taking my frantic text Tuesday morning like a grain of sugar.
Your reply back is always understanding.
To Sumaira in London, you are my warrior sister for life. You get me like NO OTHER.
I hope your Wednesday is good friends. I hope I'm not misunderstood. I hope other warrior families get this life we must make. Let's try to believe that things don't happen by coincidence. Let's hope that God has a plan in place, and that all the better days are ahead for him. For us. For me.
This weather is beautiful....
(Six Pack September 2017-Amador County Wine Tasting)
A day, and a place, and a moment that I will cherish with them forever. Along with a few others we've marked down as amazing. This one goes down as one.
This Mama Lisa
Should I make it a goal to let go of the C word in 2018, and just live. Just drink good wine, and go back to the days of 2014? To have more faith each lab day?
Thank you, thank you, thank you for hanging in there with me friends...
I would never wish this journey on anyone.
Is the BEST, really gonna come? I certainly hope so--
Happy Hump Day...gettahumpin! HAHAHA...
or not.
