On Waiting.

Have you ever had a date you were planning for, and you like counted every step closer to the day like a welcomed rainy day.  You wake, you look at the calendar and you can't wait for the next one.  Because it's closer to the day you can't wait for. 

Except I am counting the days in the opposite affect. You know, like when you go out of town on a MUCH needed vacation and so you count on your hand all the nights you get to sleep there...

 I don't want Monday to arrive to check back in to Kaiser.  To watch him lay in that darn white bed, with all the beeping buttons, and that iv cart holding the fluid that will run through his veins. 

 

The highlights of course are getting the chance to see our favorite nurses again.  Like Sylvia and Paula. 

And the housekeepers that became my friend...and the food service folks who would deliver Kris' food and smile, some saying they will pray for him.  I'm sure the guidelines in life would prohibit them from doing so, but they did it anyway.  Always smiling at him with all his tattoos and a mama bird that stood by, thanking them as they confirmed his medical record and birth date. Sometimes just delivering one "Boost drink".

I don't want to get that nervous feeling in my tummy as they hook up the chemo. Or the jitters I know are bound to happen when my phone receives a text at night.  

I keep telling myself that "Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright"-   I really have this feeling....

Now if I could turn the creative freaked the f out brain off at night, we'd be in the money. 

It's climbing the mountain.  The what if's and all the bullshit that comes in between.  

So while he enjoys the ocean and the fresh air on this planet, I'm gonna try not to count down and look at my calendar as a scary thing. 

It's one step closer to the mountain we need to get over.  

Happy Humpday lovers.  Get ta' humpin...like at work. Or the gym. Or your lover.  Whatever floats your boat. 

This Warrior Mama Lisa

To my Dodger loving family and friends...HOW BAD ASS was your WIN!

Boats and Banks.

 

Hey friends!

Last weekend Bill and I snuck away for a breather.  To our favorite lake nest home. 

It was just us. 

A place where we could hide in our favorite cove.

No one around, just us to float, laugh, cry and blast our Bad Company. 

When we left we knew we'd have a week in between treatments.

A time where we could pretend like life was maybe a tad bit normal.

It's all fun and games until 2am when I wake up and walk around in the dark with that same "what the fuck" feeling in my head.  I hate it. It happened there, just like it does at home. 

It doesn't go away.

But, I pray. And I ask for forgiveness for my dirty mouth.  And I ask for Mercy from our Holy God to please let my son move through this already hard life with at least a little bit of mercy on his soul.

He went fishing on Saturday.  To say his first text to me at sunrise was a true blessing is an understatement. 

I mean, it was so sweet to see the video of them idling out at sunrise. 

I'm sure for him, the smell of the water, the boat, the noise of his friends getting all the gear ready.

All of it. 

He needed it. 

A little slice of me was of course worried.  About his port.  About getting bumped around.

About the rest his body may need to fight the next round. All of it.

So the messages whirled around between our family.  Happiness. Smiles.

Yesterday I had to drive him to a Sperm Bank to do his biz. 

It's an awkward moment that must be handled.  In order to get through this next phase and 

have children some day, it was a must. 

Our silly ways made for some good laughter.  Especially on the freeway where we passed a plumbing company truck with a logo "Drain Fast"-

So his little birdies are being evaluated to see if things haven't been damaged thus far. 

They will be stored in West LA in an amazing company called Cyrobank-where they make dreams happen for many many people.  It's money well spent, lets put it that way.

Kris' next round of stronger chemo is next Monday.  Where he will check himself back in for about a week, maybe more.  Just depending on how he does with this round.

On our way home yesterday he pulled a few stubby hairs and said "look mama, it's finally falling out all over"

It made me want to poop. 

I hate it.

All of this. 

But one thing I know for sure. 

Cancer picked a fight with the wrong family.  This mama will fight like a mo-fo to get him through the next round.

Praying for a match.  And that call.

I do know that City Of Hope has our back.  And from the few calls we've received, I just know they are working behind the scenes.  For him. And for the world of cancer, and major illnesses.

Big love to you all.

Be good, and love hard.  Spread peace. This world needs it. 

This Mama Warrior Lisa

Strong Birdie.

You know those moments in your life where you are up against something like...

A root canal. 

An appointment procedure that is just down right shitty. 

Like a Bone Marrow Biopsy and Spinal Tap/Induction of Chemo Procedure. 

You know....a little scary. 

Wednesday Kris had a bone marrow biopsy.  And a spinal tap to draw fluid, and add back some chemo.

One, to get a sample for COH oncologists' and second, to make sure chemo gets up and around his brain to push cancer out.  

As we arrived for his 1:30 appt, he was beyond nervous.  But the way our family rolls, we had an army waiting for him.  

I arrived to find my Aunt Lynda pulling in. My sister already there, and my other Aunt (Surrogate Mom) Nettie already sitting in the waiting room. Bill walked in and the six of us took over that little corner like it was our business. 

Kris and Jen walked in with smiles.  Although I wonder at times if he is too overwhelmed with us all there.

I truly believe that an army of love and support is the key to healing.  And fighting the C word. 

The procedure went as planned.  Bill and I were again pulled into another (3rd time) social workers office.

For the record. THEY. BUG. ME.  So much so, that I told my family if I had more time in this life I would want to restructure that darn title and put some LIFE into it.  They seriously hand you every bad scenario imaginable, sit and stare, with a sad frown and hand you more...and are ready to hand you tissues.

I looked down at her calendar and on today's date it said "Funeral"--Anyway our topic was Sperm Bank info. And Advanced Directives.  Both topics I've had in my possession. Both topics I've covered.  The only thing I've yet to do is sit down with Kris and ask him stuff for that said Advance Directive things like....oh...

if you can't breath, do you want life support.  If you can't eat, do you want tube feeding.  If you are flat lined do they bring you back....Stuff that I am avoiding like washing my cat on a sunny day. 

I will get to it.  I have a week more to do so.  

And so....

Moving on.  We have an appointment on Monday in West LA-Holla-----

to donate his little swimmers, and my future grandbabies...(but don't tell him this because it stresses him out that I worry about this stuff)-

He will be on a break from induction until October 5th, where he will check himself BACK into Hotel De Kaiser for another round of STRONGER chemo, and will stay there about a week.  Maybe more, maybe less.

Until then I am getting my other ducks in order to get a huge fundraiser going.  Which will require a committee. 

The doctor mentioned to my Aunt in the room during biopsy "you have quite a bit of family that follow.."

Um, that's like 1/16 Dr. Chen.  

We are a warrior family.  We support and run to the wounded.  We will be there in his brightest days, and we will fight in silence during his darkest.  Aunts, cousins, brothers and sisters...across the states. 

We are here. 

I feel their love.  It's because of them that I can keep going.

Last night we sat on my porch and of course we both quiver lipped and he said "Mom, the only thing I told Dr. Chen, is it makes me the saddest when I think of you"-

Turning those tables, I can imagine.  I would NEVER want to leave Kris and Kali to endure these days and nights of haze.  Sleepless prayer, walking in circles praying, wishing, and hoping that Faith and Mercy will play a role in getting him better. 

From the moments I heard him cry and that little dimple that early Thursday morning I had him.

I promised to fight for him.  

Happy Weekend to you guys. 

I'm gonna bow out for a little and take a breather while he takes a breather.

Don't think for a second that I have put my weapons down. 

Peace and love to you all.  Kiss your babies, and text them.

Always leave notes.

"All my days and all my nights I will love you til the end of time...."

A Helpful Link

Several times a day I get asked by loving friends and colleagues. 

"How can we help"

What can we do to get tested, and find out where to "Be A Match"

One thing I know for sure through this process is donating blood, and any blood product...It saves lives.

It saved Kris. More than once. And will continue to do so.

At least ten times while in the hospital they administered Platelets.  And blood.

Without those little lovers he wouldn't be able to continue on in various procedures.

Donate Blood....

The Red Cross 

To get yourself out in the world to save a life....

Be The Match 

Continue to keep him in your positive thoughts.  In your prayers. 

Pray that during his darkest hours that he finds solitude knowing that we are surrounding him with love.

That he knows his Mama Warrior is searching and finding the tools to get him through this. 

Friends, be patient with me when I don't reply.  Or I don't reach back out.

It's something I can't describe. I'm holding onto the only thing I have ever felt safe holding on to. 

My partner. 

My rock. 

When I can't be the rock, and I crumble into a million pebbles. 

Go spread love. And Kindness. And smiles.

It makes this hard life so much better.

"You never know what that person is going through"-

Peace.

This Mama Warrior.

 

ps: My friend Beth a donor recipient with 6 years under her new birth belt told me yesterday that the day they get those stem cells flowing in to your body the nurses come in while induction is happening to sing "Happy Birthday"- 

You guys.....melt. me. 

I lost it when she told me this.....

Two Sparrows

Two Sparrows In A Hurricane....

Remember What I Said?

About that shitty roller coaster ride that I want off of?

Last week Kris had his chemo appt on Wed.  Everything, seamless.

Thursday morning I told him to be ready at 7:30am for Sunset Kaiser Transplant Team meeting.

Off we went.  Coffee in my hand, take-out breakfast in his lap and down the 110 frwy we went.
Things went smooth.  We arrived 50 miles jk--from where our appt would be, but our trek was like any other.....good. He followed me, I paved the way.  Up to the 8th Floor to Oncology where we see my Aunt Annette- "Nettie"-and Jeff.  There she sat with the fundraising box of goodies we WILL get to very soon- . (Thanks Janine and Dom)

We get called back into the Oncologist Doc that works directly with City Of Hope.... and so began the unraveling of words.  Words again that gave me that lump so high in my throat, and so deep in my stomach that I wanted to puke.  The room became dizzy again, and the rollercoaster ride drop was exactly what I knew would happen, only I thought for a split day that maybe, just maybe they'd call us in and tell us, that HIS diagnosis was easier.  Or better.
He has a complicated inherited leukemia.  But not complicated enough that others haven't been through.  And won.
And so she went on and on, and we sat and listened, and I occasionally glanced eye to eye with my Aunt, almost in shock again, but held on to my chair because this is life.  And this is the life we were handed.

Her exact words are WE MUST find a match.  And he's a good candidate and I want you back here within a month at least to get this going.  WE will search our data base that will include North America, Canada and WORLDWIDE.  We will also sort out the possibility of retrieving cord blood with a close match to your HLA because your sister wasn't a match. We will test your Biological Father, and your Mom.  Mom will be the last option because after bearing a child again after you (Kris) she built Anti-bodies.
Again...we just sat and listened. 

From there she stated all she needed to in her matter of fact way...and said, "now you will move to your Transplant Team Coordinator, Teri"  We scooted a door down and sat in Teri's office where we were filled in with more good scary stuff.  I had to sign forms stating I will take care of him on exit of the hospital. 
He will undergo the most intense procedure that a HUMAN BODY can take on.  Before he leaves City of Hope, he will have intense physical therapy.

From there we stepped next door to the Social Workers office that literally makes you feel like death is sitting in the NEXT room, and Kris and I had to sign some of the scariest papers ever.

Soon I'd be sitting in a lab while they drew vile after vile of blood.  Cute part as we left he patted my back and said "You ok mama"-

I'm fine, bub.  I'm fine. 

Long story short, they are fighting to get him a stem cell transplant asap.  We left there after 4 hours and walked to the car with all the air knocked out of our guts.  Trying to smile through Kris' fears.  Things we had to talk about like "Directives" and "Sperm Banking" and "After death planning" and stuff that you never ever in a fucking million years think you have to talk with your birdie.

We hopped back on the 110 fwy in a solid mess of sit still traffic for him to say he "had to go pee"-
It took me back to his toddler years of potty training when "when it's time, it's time".  I scrambled across a parking lot fwy and jolted into the first gas station somewhere in the grossest of grossest part of Hollywood.

He walked into pee, and I lost it.  That feeling of so overwhelmed and so scared that you can't even share it with him back, because he was feeling the same way. And I need to be the strong mama that says we are gonna take one day at a time. 

Side note I verbally said  to drab Mc.Scary Social Worker---We are taking this ONE.DAY.AT.A.TIME.
As I shoved every fucking printed and signed papers in each folder they belong to in my SOCCER bag.

Back on the good ol' streets of LA through Downtown, as he wanted street hot dog and whatever else made him smile.  We did. Kinda like that last hoorah's of giving zero shits because he just wants to taste something good and pretend for the next few weeks that the next few months are going to NOT be the hardest part yet.  And yet we know.  We all know.

We found front row parking on some ghetto side street by Santee Alley in the heart of Downtown LA.
Smiling as we hopped out trying to push back the last 4 hours.  Sharing a hot dog and a Mexican soda. 

Arriving home, I dropped him off.  Cleared my car of his goodies, and again drove down PCH in silent awe.

I drove home to change. Poured myself a glass of wine.  Sat there staring out the window at the birds flying carelessly over the harbor waters.  Boats coming and going.  And I bawled my eyes out.  Again.
I didn't want to talk on the phone. I didn't want to text anyone back.  I didn't want to check on the fire that was running pretty close to my parents.  I didn't want to look at my soccer bag that has now turned into complete research hospital medical file mode.  I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to sleep.  I just wanted to sit there and cry.

Bill came home.  We sat there and cried.  We have a HUGE hill to climb over. 
My apologies to those I may have offended. To my sister whom I bit her face off Friday night because I am tired. I can't answer questions I am still not clear. 
I can't answer all the texts.  That's all I can do. Go on BETHEMATCH.ORG
It answers so many detailed questions.  For us and for you. 

Today I was driving to the bank, and a lady called me from City of Hope. Asking my relation to Kristopher S. 

"I'm his Mama"-

She said..."Oh, ok.  Thanks, that's all I need right now"-

All I could think of is they are working right now. Right now as I post to you.  To save his life.

This is a fucking roller coaster that I want off, and yet I am buckled so far back in the seat that moving or even wiggling isn't an option.  I am trying to keep on top of things. Normal living things. Like groceries.
My dirty fridge.  My favorite ten pairs of underwear that I rotate and soon run out and FINALLY have to do laundry.  And I walk in circles in the morning.  And if any of this makes absolute nonsense to you.  I get it.
Don't read further. Poor Bill can't do anything right but just hold me.  And hug me tighter when I melt.  He can't grocery shop, he can't drive, he can't cook.  jk- No, but seriously I am a barking freak right now. So he patiently says..."hun you just wanna drive"  - Crazy when friends offer to help, and deep down, I just need to sort this stuff.  Feeling your love, I do.  But I can't have you wash my unders.  Or clean my house.  Or cook. Really, I just need to sort.  It's in my veins.  Remember...I am a warrior.  Just collecting more of my weapons.  Gearing up for the next round.

This roller coaster is hard.  Like today when he sent me a first of the morning next.  "Mom, my hair is finally falling out"-

Or, "Mom seriously this is horrible I can't taste anything at all.  Just salty hot sauce type stuff".

Or, "Mom, I hope I can make it through this, because I am so weak"-

I am too.

And I am sorry for the lack of blogging, or texts back.  Or phone calls for all of you wonderful loving people.
I thank you for offering everything and anything and any time.

It's hard to wrap your head around my thoughts right now.  Sometimes I just need time.  To focus on him.
And this.

This week he has another Bone Marrow Biopsy, and a spinal tap.  This answers more questions of how many of the cancer monsters have been knocked down since round one of 5 of chemo.
We wait for a match.
We wait for new changes in him.

We hold on tight and love on him. Spoiling him with any food he loves.  Because that's just what we do.

If you want to help him, stay tuned.  We WILL need help.  Like the dark times when someone just standing with a mask on in his room at COH, with light in their eyes of hope. To push him.  Because look at me kids...HE IS GONNA NEED IT.

But next.....I'm off to fill out forms to store his little little birdies.

Until I can get my head back out of the fog.  Pray for me kids.

I need it.  He needs it more.

Come on Stem Cell match.  Lord, hear our prayers.

This Warrior Mama Lisa

ps.  I've learned this much so far-  Chemo kicks him in the face and gut 48 hours after induction.
My heart breaks to see him so skinny and weak.  Friends love me harder than I ever imagined, and yet I still isolate myself.  Sleep sucks and nighttimes are overrated.

I do hear you all. I do.  And there WILL come a day that I am gonna come running to you.
Be ready-

One. Day. At. A. Time.

kiss your birdies every single chance you get.

College bound and dorm kids tucked away?  Good for them.  Good for you.  You did it.
Be proud.

Steer clear of this rollercoaster ride.  I hope you're too short to ride it.  Or big.  Or whatever. Stay away.

The Answers You Want.

I mentioned to you all about how nervous I was looking through the many cancer pamphlets left on his bedside.  I literally would take them in my hand.  Roll them up.  Flatten them out.  And slide them right along with the other medical paperwork that had his medical record and his sweet little name I gave him. Kristopher.
Except I kept wanting those pamphlets to not belong to him.  His mama didn't need to read them.
Any minute a doctor would walk in and tell us that an infection was strolling through his body.

Wrong.

Those pamphlets have made their way to my desk top. Along with more research online. I only go to reliable resources, because I can't look through pictures of stories that show people who didn't make it.
Like on instagram when people hashtag his condition and you see....hard hard stuff.  It makes my tummy instantly want to empty.  So I don't go there.
Right now? I am researching the latest findings.  The best doctors, and trials that have proven to save my 26 year old dude.  I want to make sure he can produce grandbabies for me.  I want him to enjoy the long life he deserves.  To look back on this one day with one big head shake. I want him to continue to be successful.
To love and be loved.

We know Kali isn't a match.  Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team on Sunset Kaiser.
The place where all the heads of hematology and oncology meet.  It's the place where his original marrow biopsy was filtered through. Where someone labeled a little vile, soon reporting to Dr. Chen. Its the place that doctors go to and from City of Hope.

Tomorrow we go there for answers.  And questions.  Lots of questions. 
Just me and my Bub.  Traveling in the grind of traffic through LA.  None of that matters. Just sitting next to him. Looking for his little dimple and silly ways.  His Mama. Mama Bird.  Mama Bird that wakes up all night every night and still operates on adrenaline because I am a skeptic.  With Cancer.  I see all the F Cancer around me in stickers, hats and shirts.  It makes me sad actually.  Why can't we find a cure.  Why does it come after the good?  Why do I pass tweekers on the streets, or child abusers, and animal abusers come on the tv free from this horrific disease.  Why?

I'm just looking for answers. Tomorrow.

To my friends that I hold close to. Thank you.  Even if our wino days have ceased for me lately.  I love you.

Family, you are my rock.  Even when I can't talk because my lip quivers and you can't stand to see your mom cry. Or when I'm snappy because you want a back pack and I am researching something or trying to keep a company surviving.  I love you.

I am Mama Warrior.

"Trails are what made me strong.  My imperfections make me who I am. My friends are why I act the way I do. My family is what keeps me going in life. I live for myself, and my children. Being this way gives me my strength to go on to tomorrow"

Pray for our trip tomorrow and for some assuring answers.



Mama Warrior Lisa

Just Another Day.

This morning turned out to be just like all the rest. Like a little slice of groggy normalcy.

Except for this one started at 5am with Kali packing her car to head back to San Marcos.

I made her favorite salad, and packed all little yummies a mama does for a trip back to reality.

I picked up Madie and Kali from the airport at 4:30pm yesterday to be filled in with all the deets of their epic trip to TCU.   They both agreed that they will be back.  Sooner than later.  So much silly-ness.

Here's a few.  

We'll leave the rest for another day, and another time.

On Saturday Kris and Jen came over with cravings for Mama's homemade salsa.  

His eating game is still on fire.  With the exception of water, in which he needs LOTS of.  So he adds some stuff to it for flavor.  Metal mouth is real.  

My texts' throughout the day are constant reminders about meds, and water. 

I found that mesh stuff to cover his port, along with a medicine dispensary thing that has sun-mon/morn-night...type thing.  And as much as it seems these are trivial things, they ease my mind.

Jens birthday weekend. Where friends and family had planned brunches and parties a month ago. He rallied. But most of all, they rallied around him.  The love from her family and friends is surreal.  Just as much as we offer on our side.

It breaks my heart to see his eyes and body changing by the tone of chemo, but I must remind myself that cancer picked the wrong family to fight with.

We will keep pushing back. 

Today I am exhausted. I truly am.  The kind of tired that you want to curl into a corner and just sleep. 

Only I can't.  I am still fueled by adrenaline and will continue to find whatever is the best of the best.

Just this morning I finally had the courage to open my first Pdf File on Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.  

He also has Philadelphia Chromosome which is addition to. With proper care, it's an addition to treatment.  For who knows how long.

Each time I would try to read I panic and back out. 

But today I felt at ease.  This week will give more answers.  More proof that doctors are trying to save people by medicine.  That they DO care about my boy. And because they know WE care and that THIS mom is reaching, and praising, and learning and asking and smiling through tears, THEY will help US fight for him.  Will he be cured? Can this nightmare go away forever? I don't think so.  Yes, they can push it far into corners but you know....the what if's.  It's easy when it's not you, or your loved one to say "hey leese he's gonna be fine, look so and so lived ten more years" and I truly, 100% respect all of this. 

It's just when you're in it.  When you look at the reality of the doctors faces the day of diagnosis, or the nurses that said "'I'm so sorry"-  You question things.  

But you move on.  The trauma becomes reality.  The reality become normalcy.

The normacly becomes your fight.  It envelopes every single hour of your day.

Friends invite you to boating gatherings and wine sipping.  And right now?  My head isn't there. They understand.  They send their sweet messages and pictures.  And I love them.

I feel most safe with Bill.  I feel most safe with the kids. And I feel most safe at home. It's funny, I always have.  It's the only time my phone could be wherever and I could care less.  As long as my birdies are with me. 

I feel safe at home.  I wish I could escape and run from it all, but I can't.  I am a robot. I will fight. As I have my entire life. 

For my kids.  I will fight. 

The road will be rough. I know that.  The word Remission really means nothing for me. I want CURE. 

On Saturday before Kris and Jen left he non-chalantly mentioned that Dr. Chen said "Kali isn't a match"-

My stomach flipped over. Almost like when you get knocked in the gut and you can't breathe. That kind.

I quickly thought "what the fuck, why didn't Dr. Chen call me, and tell me or let me know..why"

And they a realized he's a big dude now.

I again panicked. 

For a minute.  Then I pulled my hair back again.  And said....It's okay....we'll find the next best thing.

We will. 

We'll find a match.  We'll cross over the next bridge that is front. 

Together we will.  All of us. 

Happy Monday. Pray for my boy through this week.  For strength. For continued faith.  For smiles when at times he's alone and I'm sure scared. 

For my tired ass body to get up and with it.  

Pray that I am nice to people even when I really feel like otherwise. 

For when the value of a dollar that we all need so much takes the place of humanity, to remember where our true value is.  It's just gonna be a longer road.  

We have one shot kids.  Let's do this.  

Love to you all, especially to my family and close friends. You know who you are.  My rocks.

This Mama Warrior

PS. And to add more poop to the clogged toilet, my parents nearby town is on fire.  Their cars are packed, both on high alert, and waiting to run.  Butte Fire (Amador County 30% contained)-We all have our shitstorms to deal with, this is theirs.  Crazy how we both can't do anything to help the other.
Except------> PRAY.  Pray people, PRAY. 
Lord, please have Mercy on us.  I know you hear us.  I know you love us.  Have Mercy on us.

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendships

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit

A shot of the flowers Bill brought to Mama in honor of my 20 years at Gaylord's. 

Doing what I do. Working to provide for mine, and wherever else I can.

I hope you all have an amazing weekend. 

My Saturday morning will hopefully involve lots of coffee and extra flips of my pillow to catch the cool side...

I think I am brave enough now to read through some things I need to for the next step.

Tues, Wed and Thurs will offer doc appts for him. 

Praise. Pray. Push. Smile. Hug. Repeat.

Happy Friday..and may those affected by Nine Eleven have peace in their hearts.

That certainly was a day that many of us will never forget. Time stood still.

I can relate.

Love you friends, and Carmen for sending me this lovely poem. Truth.

xo

This Mama Warrior Lisa

ps. HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THIS ROCK SOLID GIRLFRIEND-

The girl that stayed in a chair/bed every.single.night next to him for three weeks bedside in Room 4111.

The girl that is taking care of him. Shooin' her parents away as they try hard to do what us parents do. I know you don't understand that feeling yet, but I certainly do. We hover. The girl that will drive across town to get whatever craving pops into his head. The girl that loves animals just like us. I hope your day is sweet and filled with a smiling happy boyfriend. One without a puke bucket, or wipies for the land of the dark hole. This dude lights up when you walk into the room.  Happy Birthday sweet girl.  Jen.  Jenna. Jenny. Jennifer.  LOL! We love you ---

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you will ever have.” 

 

Soul To Soul

The last couple of days we watched Kris' White and Red counts rise.  We also witnessed his platelets go up higher than ever in the last two days.  What this means is his body is reacting to Chemo.
Cancer is suffering by the poison.  Although the side effects of chemo take it's toll on them, it's a good sign when they grow back.  We won't know the severity to all of this until a few months down the road when they do another bone marrow biopsy.

Each day, we witness new things.  Taste buds that are gone, and soon try to grow back.  The metal taste comes on strong, and sort of lingers at a distance the next day.
As I mentioned in my previous post, his platelets (which consider them like the flour in our blood..the thickener) should be in the 240 range.  When he arrived at the ER that night, they were at 18.
Each day, they'd drop more.  Down to 6 one day.  What can happen is you can bleed out.  A small cut, even in your intestines can bleed out and there isn't anything to stop it.  So he had platelet transfusions almost each day, sometimes every other.

They began to come back. On their own. Which meant the cancer isn't getting the chance to gobble them up.

So when we stood in the hallway that day talking to our favorite doctor (Dr. Diep) he stated that this is a good sign.  That Kris seems to be moving along in a very good way.  That each day is new growth. Even with chemo, it's a good sign.

Yesterday was another round of the gnarly chemo that made him go into convulsions and puke hard core the first round.  My Aunt and Bill stayed in there with him, while I ran out with Kali in sheer panic.
When I was driving to the hospital yesterday morning my sister called and said "they are waiting for you before they start"- In my scarity cat head, I was like.."oh shit, oh no, I don't want to do this alone"
The nurse "Silvia" is AWESOME- They were talking fish, boats, friends...etc.
I said "okay, let's do this" as my legs were chattering together and I wanted to curl in the corner with a blanket. She assured me that his body has already been introduced to the poison.  That he most likely wouldn't have a reaction because we started at 50, for 30 minutes moving on to 100 soon and then up to 150...where my legs felt jittery again.

That was when his friend "Sparks" stopped in. Unexpectedly.
What's so interesting in this journey of Chapter 26 are the little crazy spiritual signs I have witnessed.
I'll save that for another day and another post.  I hope I don't forget them all. But man....you guys. CRAZY stuff.
So Sparks walks in...(he's the type of guy that lights up a room by his silly yet politely obnoxious ways always filling the room with the aroma of herb) His hug to me, and his bright cheery "Dude what the F*UCK to Kris, made us chuckle. 

And Sparks stayed the entire duration.  They talked all things fish, friends, travel plans...and the shitty parts of this thing called Leukemia.  The side effects of chemo and rounds of love from friends and family. He instantly took Kris' mind to a new place.  Instead of waiting and worrying for a side effect, he drifted off to boats, and fish, and captains....it was awesome.  For all of us.

Soon, Jen arrived, and with a room full of Chemo Nurse Silvia, Jen and Sparks I decided my trek back to work for an hour to clear more emails, and paperwork until I heard from him would be best.
He said "Mama, I'm leaving here today and when I get out of here, we're going to Pier 76, okay...so tell Dad"

You bet Bub, we are.  Let's wait for Dr. Chen and go from there...

All along I keep thinking of hospital time which is 2-3 hours for every movement.  All except for housekeeping and food.  They were AMAZING! I made so many friends in there.

About two hours after arriving back to my office he texted me and said Dr. Chen came by and said I will be released very soon.  So Mom, drive here and put on your flashers and wait out front.
I did just that. Bucksie and I.
The funny part to this, is I had planned on a grand exit for when he left.  We anticipated him staying another week at LEAST.
As I sat there with my air blasting my face watching people come and go from the doors of that hospital that I walked into every single day except for one in 3 weeks....
I see Kris.  Walking out.  His favorite nurse. Jen..and a cart filled with all things Room 4111.
He was bawling.  Holding his pillow, and that dimple making it's way as he spotted Bucksie

I hopped out, crying myself...hugging our nurse who was also crying....loading Jens car, and mine.
Taking mental notes for meds, that soon flew out the window this morning when I began to panic.
Bucksie into his Dads arms, into Jens car...they were off.
I soon went inside to gather all the meds and little things that will keep him stable for the next week before another round of outpatient chemo.

Calling Kali and Bill letting them know it was done.  Just like that.  Bill said "hun I am just pulling in".  I said, go head home.
He wants to go get a "LOBSTER ROLL" down in LB.
I drove home with my car filled.  Pulled in to unload and grab Kali and Bill.
It was so muggy and hot, as we arrived down in LB on Pine to his favorite little place.
His good friend Scotty, his boys Brody and Harley...along with his friend Zack and Sparks.
Jen, Kris, Bill, Kali, Bucks and I.  Smiling at each other, sharing an amazing prayer led by Brody (who was rudely interrupted by the waiter...I mean, can't you tell a party of 10 has their heads bowed praying and you ask who ordered the kale salad..? jerk-don't know why just typing this pisses me off, I feel like calling) anyway...breathe out leese, breathe out.

Post hospital Lobster Roll

We ate quickly as we could tell he was fading.  Our walk back to the car was slow but fast.  Just us.  Smiling at eachother but knowing he has a fight.
These days will have light and they will have dark.  He will get sicker before better.

Right now we are taking it one day at a time.  Learning as we go.

My girlfriend Donna Crow drove down to my porch delivering these babies for the nurses and us. She lives in Frazier Park.... She customized each white one with Kris' name on them.  You should see the look on nursing staffs faces....Being thanked for sharing kindness to our boy.

Love.  And Family.  And friendship.  And fighting a hard but worthy fight.  We WILL get through this.

I feel your love, and your vibes people.  I do.

I share with him, and we smile.  Last night his phone was blowing up sitting next to me.  I said "Kris do you want your phone honey"-  "No mama, it's okay...I'll get to it later"

I think he was cherishing the moment.

Leukemia, you won't take my baby.

Happy Thursday friends..

Love to you all

This Warrior Mama Lisa

In The Sunny Days.

So many times I have preached that "Live For Today"--- 

It amazes me to look back through pictures of my boy to think he was so healthy one moment, and yet deep in his marrow, he was becoming so sick.

Yesterday he was silly.  He talked about food all day long.  All things food. Spicy food, lemony food, how he wonders what would happen to his taste buds for the long time future. 

Today I am at work for a little bit.  It still feels so strangely sad to look at his desk.  I cleared it for various reasons.  One being, I just can't stand to see his boots at the floor, or his fishing lures he'd play with while on the phone.  Or the many vitamins he was taking because he kept saying how bad he felt, day after day.

Towards the end he'd sit down and just say "Mom, man I feel like shit"- I bet he did.

I'm headed to him shortly with lunch.  His excitement right now.  Food. 

My selfish excitement is to see his dimple.  His smile and messy head of hair.  The hair we know will soon fade away into the barbers sheers, and into a bag. Little pieces I've already started to witness on his pillow cases. 

Is this fair? No it's not fair....

But can and will he fight on?

You better believe it kids. 

He has an army of love.  From friends, family, positive thoughts, prayer, lovers and air huggers...

WE FEEL IT..

Big love to you all, on this spicy hot day.  

HUG TIGHT, and love hard. 

This Mama Warrior Lisa

Loving the sunny days, and praying to get through the darker days...

The gift of wine.

One of my rituals as I arrive home from the hospital each night is a glass of wine. Bill kind of chuckled the other day because I've never had bottles sitting on my counter readily available everyday. Well, right now it's the only thing that brings me down from mama warrior space out mode.

The last few days were literally the rollercoaster we knew would be. A few days ago he was in so much pain and so exhausted and sleepy that he would bark at us with frustrations. Yesterday and today the topic is food. All things food. He has no taste buds right now and what's left is a metal taste.
So...we've moved into all things lemon. Anything salty and anything he can sprinkle Lawrys seasoning salt on. This morning I drove to three different places for everything he was craving.

His white and red blood counts are up. He walked yesterday and sat out in the sun for a little bit. He is fighting like we knew he would.  Some days are better than other. His room is our camp site. We all do the day shifts and his amazing girlfriend does the night shift. We all have a different story to tell each day. From amazing nurses to some that still can't seem to communicate the term "he" or "she" when speaking. Which generally is the only time you will see your friend Lisa turn into a sassy bitch. I've been loving, kind and helpful through all of this...but sometimes I kind of lose my patient hat.

An oncologist stopped by today to check on him during his 19th day here. So far so good, and the plan of attack looks great thus far. He wondered what and how his symptoms all started and as I hear the story for the 100th time, I still can't grasp it either. Perfectly fine one month, to land here fighting for your life a few months later.

Today's highlight is I asked to have him taken back out side for a bit while they douche this room from top to bottom. I've cleaned it thoroughly with Chlorox wipes like a crazy bandit. He laughs at me as I wipe the bed, nurses area, urinal handles, and door knobs. I helped shower him yesterday and
say I wailed with laughter is an understatement. Let's just say, it's only a task a mama or wife would
want to see.  Wash clothes had to be tossed..LOL

Every day is a new day. He's gonna fight this. And we are gonna look back on these sleepless painful nauseated nights as a memory. Not the best memory but one that proved all the love we have for eachother. Through friends, family, girlfriends, and us. Our unit.

We're in it to win it.

Be true and love hard you guys. Live for today and say sorry. You will never regret it.

Thank you for all the love, kindness and true companionship.

Happy early birthday Shelley! Sorry I missed your dinner last night...next year homegirl, next year.

Go in peace..

Mama Warrior Lisa
Ps...grammar, spell check and language skills are not perfect haha I can't edit once I scroll down on my ipad.

Silver lining here at hotel del Kaiser? Weekend WiFi is EPIC fast haha!

In Typical....

In typical holiday fashion, our days at the shop become a little quiet come afternoon.

And today, just like any other, we are working through this afternoon the same just missing my buddy.

Without Kris here, my heart melts every time I look up at his desk.

But today, I found a little note:

"Love you mama..."  on a post it that had our lunch order on it. Those silly tears made their way to my cheeks. But man, what would we do without love notes...

Kali is sitting at his bedside today.  Doing homework, and taking lunch orders...

As I left the hospital last night all he wanted was a good burger and covered loaded fries.

Bill and I switch spots, so he had the honor of carrying up that amazing burger.  He was so up and so chatty about all things yesterday.

His doctor made the rounds this morning.  They will continue to keep Kris on antibiotics to clear any and all infections for the next Chemo round.

I hope you all have a fantastic long weekend.  Celebrating the hard labor you've accomplished.
Be good to your self and be good to your loves.  Eat well, and don't ever look back.


Remember to forgive, and be patient.

Good things come to those who wait.  AND work their asses off.  Even if that means putting up the biggest fight in a health crisis.  WE CAN DO IT!

Go in peace..and sip good wine.

This mama lisa 

Things I've leaned

Today marks 2 weeks and one day that I've pulled into this hospital, rallied for a parking spot, and made my way to Room 4111.
Things I have learned and observed...

• The elevator has a smell that I hope to never smell again someday on the Earth.
• Some nurses are amazing and some aren't. Ethnicity plays a role. Sorry not sorry.
• Doctors are here for one thing. To work and save lives. Not rub my soul or paint pretty pictures.
• Kaiser hospital food is actually decent food.
• That my phobia of cafeteria settings quickly went out the door.
• The silence button on an IV cart line is Orange.
• The best little hiding spot is down the hall where I can take my mask off and breathe but my view is a little unsettling because of my fear of heights. Hello down there Downey...
• I've had more spiritual "things" happen in these last 2 weeks than ever. So now I look up and chuckle. I hear ya dude.
• I've wiped down his room with antibacterial wipes with enough wipies to fill a room.
• I've yet to see the shitty scary doctor from night 1...yet have seen ALL the rest. Works for me.
• My path from home to here is sometimes a blur.
• I've walked out to my car twice with no memory of where I parked.
• I've felt our little family pull together tighter and with more meaning than ever in the 17 years we blended.
• I've watched employees work their asses off for me, and him...because they genuinely care.
• I sat through a small earthquake this week here on the 4th floor and had no idea. Kris laughs hard about that.
• That dude had hundreds of friends. One of which rode his Harley here from Oceanside just now with smoked fish for us. 
• They clean the floors with vinegar which trips me out. 
• I stare at his beautiful hair everyday, wondering and waiting for transition.
• More guilty of crying down the haul than not.
• Nurses hand tissue like its water....lol
• When a compromised immunity is in play you learn which eateries are clean and well kept. One, being is In-N-Out. Holla Mel to McKenna...
• More people miss-spell Kris' name each day and I continue to correct. KRIS Not Chris. Thanks
• Medicinal marijuana has thus far helped his nausea and body aches. In liquid form, so don't worry we aren't hot boxing this place.
• I've decorated his room with as much little pieces of love I can get away with.
• Today was the first day that I noticed Bucks looking for him.
• Friends still text me after nine, and I'm close to blocking numbers.
• Shark week is gonna suck.
• Nurses work their asses off.
• Smiles and kindness still move mountains. I've made new friends. 
• My son is fighting so hard. And our family is part of his army.
• Jen wins girlfriend of a lifetime award. 
• Kris loves fresh pillow cases.
• I never imagined we would be fighting cancer.
• We will win--
• I love each and every family member, friend and words of encouragement. I can't answer them all, but I hear you loud and clear. Round 3 CHEMO lets do this.

Another Day Another Chance

Good morning friends..

The last couple of days are everything a rollercoaster would give. Monday afternoon Kris started to complain that his ankle was hurting. Also a bump on his leg. What seems to happen is a small hair follicle get festered and begins to become infected. This is all due to no white blood cell fighters. Chemo kills the bad guys and it kills the good guys. As of Monday evening he was out on antibiotics, more blood transfusions, and a circle with a marker around both sores. The one on his ankle prevents him from walking. Much less, using the bathroom the way we all prefer to. It hurts so bad that pain makes him want to puke.

Monday evening the nurse handed him a chemo pill. He took it after hey verified name, medical record number..etc. he woofed down a huge burrito that he was craving from our favorite Mexican restaurant. That said restaurant is so filled with love. As I walked in to get it, she said "Hi Mija, Kris normally doesn't like his burrito with red sauce on the outside he likes it inside, and extra sour cream" ...she said "let me call him". She knew where he was, she smiled and said they will serve him any way he wants. She drew a silly face and a little note to him, a big air hug for me and soon he devoured it.

Later that evening, he began to puke, along with all chemo side effects involved. His text to me early yesterday morning broke my heart but made me pull up my big mama warrior undies. Pulled my hair back tight. And headed out. As I walk in circles at home in complete confusion, I called my friend Beth. Beth was treated 6 years ago at City Of Hope. Her dr. Was one that I hoped our doctor would link up with.

After an hour of filling Beth in, we hung up. She called the doctor that cared for her at COH and by last evening he called ME! At 7pm while unloading my car of dirty laundry of my son filled with all side effects for chemo, he called. I grabbed my folder labeled "Medicines/doctors". Quickly sat down on my front porch chair and began to listen. And talk. And listen. And cry. And pull it together. I felt for a mere 7 minutes that this well known doctor at COH was calling ME. To help MY son. HE took the time to call me from HIS home to listen, and ask for a list of things. He gave me hope. He was hard to understand, yet full of calm. He's South African with a strong, yet calm older demeanor. I had to ask home to repeat a few medicine topics three times. But I jotted fast.

I am waiting for our doctors office to open. This doctor wants our doctor to call him. They can work together making sure the combination is the plan for my boy.
He explained the goal is to get him in remission.

So sometimes in the nightmare roller coaster ride, you find little silver linings. The road WILL get tougher indeed. But if I can keep searching, seeking and pushing for the best of the best, you better  believe, I am gonna give every last ounce of energy in my being to allow my son a chance to someday get back out on a boat. To hug back to all the friends that have stood by his side. To hold his spear gun again and look back at this roller coaster as one he won't ride again.

My friend that overcame the hardest form of Leukemia wrote me her daily quote that she asks twice daily---it read :

I ask my higher power to please continue to collect and channel all of the positive thoughts, prayers, and blessings into my body to create a healthier mind and body.

I wish you all a beautiful cooler Wednesday. Don't take each day for granted. Call your loved ones. Hug your babies and be good to each other.

This Mama Lisa Warrior