It's interesting to look back through pictures of the months prior as you close your year out. For me at least. I become sappy as I look back through the year.. *shocker* I feel like I've been to hell and back, and yet peeking through folders dated "March", truly doesn't seem that far back, and yet when you want the days to slow down or speed up, we have no control. Just minutes. That turn into days. And weeks, then months. Then March really IS far back. And the same goes for February. A beautiful month filled with all things love. Soon I would scoot through May, where we celebrated our littlest birdie's 19th birthday. Such a fun weekend. Month after month after month, I would grab a couple and stare, smile, and move on.
Crazy.
I started to reflect on just how fast these months have flown by.
January offered us a reaction to the flu shot that took this dude down until just recently.
We learned the difference between western meds and holistic medicine. Finding the right approach to something so delicate. It amazes me how much research I would read day and night just to try and help him feel better--
Watching, listening, and helping him through each day and night as his body fought hard to get the flu shot out. Those first few months listening to him toss and moan in pain from that darn shot.
February came, and we celebrated two from our six pack....
We celebrated the day of LOVE at the best car show, and concert that we'd ever been to...
They celebrated love. A love they held on for dear life giving it their best shot, trying to navigate through peer pressures, and distance. I never knew how strong Kali was until I watched this chapter. We all miss him. That's the tough part of these things...
March rolls around--
Kris was able to enjoy the best fishing in Southern California and Baja Mexico due to El Nino making it's way, and would go down as some record breakers..
We'd take walks to breakfast...
Bucks held down camp as always....like a boss...
Kali would support her first marathon with her sorority sisters. Supporting Domestic Violence Abuse Victims...
And partied like a rockstar at various sorority sister gigs....
Still continued to move mountains. Hiked in new territories...
Went to her formal with a bestie....
My Aunt Susie would run AND finish the LA Marathon. -----> Badass.....
April would make it's debut, and Mama would celebrate Chapter 45. Alone at the lake as lovers, tucked away just like we love.
One of my favorite months, May- The month I was honored to birth a little girl.
Turning nineteen. Surrounded by her bestest of best friends.
And he stayed in charge. Never taking his eyes off. Anything.
It's so hard to not look at pictures of the months prior to Kris getting sick, and wondering...all the why's.
Was it filtering through his veins, spine, brain.....ugh.
Hi! I'm Warrior Mama
We celebrated Gaylord's 88th Birthday (this picture is over 5 years old, but I love it)
We had bbq's at families....just to be together....
June popped into our worlds....
We launched our Wine Wednesday's at the LBYC- Some of the best food around on the water....and of course the margarita's.....
Kris continued to be on the water. Any chance he could get. Morning, and night. Here and way over there. On the water.
We'd arrive at a donut shop in the early hours to capture hot cars, and hot coffee.
To soon jam over to Harbour's annual Surf Contest....
I'd run into my dude on the pier....
We'd celebrate friends' birthdays on The Big Red Bus.....
Concerts at the pier. Where you gather to be with friends, to sip wine from your cuppy. And that means more than the music. Just being together...
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| El Nino giving us his best of the best..... |
We'd do our last Ink-n-Iron show. Toasting the good days before, and preparing for the years to come. If we only knew....
My Dad would celebrate another birthday. Alive and able.
Soon Mr. July would flip onto our calendars...
We'd make a couple lake trips. Alone. Meeting up with friends, sipping Coors lights, and cheering to each other from boat to boat. Letting the good times roll...
We'd take White Fin out for a "one more run, let's blow the spider webs from her exhaust"
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| Celebrating The 4th Of July in San Diego--- |
August would make it's grand entrance....my oldest birdies birthday month...
He'd fish. Come home, lay down. Work. Complain he didn't feel good.
The cycle would go on and on for a few more weeks...
We did our annual boat races....
The Jacobs would throw their annual Garage Party, and we'd all gather again, toasting to good times, with good people....
Meanwhile, he continued to feel terrible, but wouldn't put his rod down.
His birthday rolled around. He'd barely make it to dinner and back with friends....Too weak, and body feeling overall flu like. Little did we know his platelets were being gobbled up in record numbers by the hour.
When we thought his fatigue was from burning the candle from both ends.....
As I've preached my preach for many years....One phone call. One phone call. Everything changes.
You go from breathing, to sheer panic. From panic to planning.
From planning to praying. From praying to having FAITH.
That there is a higher power. That God is working on us. On me. On him. On opening our eyes to the world of medicine. Of the scariest thing just short of losing your child. Cancer. Chemo. A frail, weak body.
Our girl flew to Texas to attend her first college football game during the chaos because it was planned. And she deserved a breather. A break from the chaos. TCU Frogs!
Her ANCHORS.
Her college friends that grabbed her soul, and whole body and covered her with love. With support, and partnership. Letting her know, "everything's gonna be alright"
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| September, the hottest month that I can ever remember. He'd come and go from the hospital. Rounds would take a week long. He'd come home super sick. Super weak. He's suffer all the side effects of chemo. We'd fly around him offering, sharing, loving, feeding, you name it, we did it. |
I made friends at the hospital. I'd have his spinal chemo days down to a science. I also probably shocked some folks with my brassy, notgonnatakeshit attitude when it came down to language barriers, and germs.
I am sure one day we all might look back on some as down right, nutty. At one point I fell running up a flight of stairs with ice for his meds to get them, and him home properly.
October would soon arrive. We had a window between rounds. A fresh home at the lake. One without germs, or people. It was Halloween weekend, and so we bolted away. Just us.
Never feeling more grateful. Still hovering. But grateful, and together.
Bill and I would take our little boat rides with margarita's in tow. His support to me, as I would crumble from one hour to the next. Crying some moments to begin a chuckle because I wanted to be normal again.
All of the sudden we moved the calendar page to November. After more weeks in the hospital than out. We'd fall into FALL. A very hot fall- Receiving a call the week before Thanksgiving that A MATCH WAS FOUND- And so we celebrated at the lake. Surrounded by not only our little family, but Jens.
It was a beautiful weekend on the lake, and on the river. All together. Trying to prepare ourselves for the next few months. But so grateful and thankful we have him with us to celebrate....LIFE.
December creep-ed up faster than I truthfully want to admit. It's a personal thing, but this month has been a tad bit hard- And I say that lightly. I've battled more anxiety than I have ever endured in my entire 45 chapter pages.
Kali studied like a bandit. Nailed her finals, as we knew she would. Closed out her semester just like we knew she would. Keeping us proud, and sharply on our toes...
She had a partial dream filled by "seeing" Selena Gomez perform, yet didn't get to meet her as she wished....Someday little Kali...someday. Never give up. lol
She went to another formal with her bestie. Drank way too much lemonade. And water. Or something..
THIS picture was their best of the night.....Someday....I have silly ones to share. I'll wait until she's a mama. Or bride to be. Maybe then will we ALL get a chuckle.
We took more lover pictures as the sun said his goodnights in Havasu. A place where Bill and I escape this normal hectic life. A place we step away to exhale. Only this year we've been a little more alert. More aware. More anxious. More thankful for where we have come. To where we are headed. Together.
Our boy sent more pictures out on the water....doing what his soul wants. Keeping us so high on our toes, our ballet slippers can't hold us up anymore. We just know God has his plan in place. We know that this life in this chapter was made for purpose. And so we continue to send encouraging love right back to our boy. We will get through these next pages.
She continued to do what hard work deserves, and that's "PLAY" and Play hard.
She arrived in Tahoe yesterday....
And if you question El Nino, don't. This here kids is our saving Grace. Because this is the water us Southern Cali and Northern Cali people need! Enjoy little one....work hard, play harder...!
And the few days we will soak up the love as a family. We will cherish all the many small things that will mean more during the last few days left.
One of the very first things I felt from the moment our story was shared with family and friends, was love.
Prayers started flowing like the wind. Perfect strangers would embrace us, and pray.
Nurses prayed. Doctors stared straight into my face, and whether they believe in any sort of God, they knew.
They knew my fear. They knew this parenting nightmare was something we'd need strength to get through.
They might not know our army behind us. They might not know just how much love from our family. And friends. They gave me news I never thought I'd have to digest. And yet, my army stood behind us.
Behind him. Even if they didn't know him well.
Our picture is huge. This New Year and the beginning days starting on January 4th 2016, will give us Hope.
We will rely on ourselves for legs to get us to and from. We will rely on our beating hearts that will pump harder than we ever thought they could as our boy endures 10+ days of intense treatment. We will rely on our cars to get us to that hospital everyday. We will rely on our smiles to share with the nurses and doctors.
We will rely on our bodies to stay healthy. We will rely on our hands to share whatever we can for him. To him. We will rely on our eyes to share the beauty down below that sixth floor while out about on this beautiful Earth, because this dude loves to be outside, and will be confined for weeks, and weeks.....
Because relying on "things" we will be beyond what we know is true. God's promise to me will shine. Those little markers in the sand I keep seeing. I want to share with you all someday. I've had some spiritual things happen. Nothing too detailed, but there.
I hugged my sis-not-by-law, but by love and she said "Don't you wonder if this divine spiritual intervention was meant to be"- At times I believe it is. I don't think God wants to hurt any of us. I just think this life has been a walk in the park at times when I really thought I had things rough. Especially as a child, and teen. And yet, really I didn't.
Really, I've been handed what God knows I can handle. I can't always figure it out. At times I've cried out with wonder.
I've pushed people away during my darkest hours. And it's not intentional.
I've had days where I can't talk. Where I can't push myself to be anything other than just present.
I remember as a child, I would occupy myself with an imaginary friend. I would occupy myself with watering flowers and plants, or just exploring. I've never been a tv or movie girl. At times I wish I could. Just to escape my mind from it's over thinking. I've always loved music. I've always loved to be around people that made me happy.
I am grateful for all of you that encourage me through the darkest days. I can't say this year has been the best. I've wondered if making a picture book as I do would be a great idea this time around.
My hope is that through the New Year I will take my camera back out. That I will start to journal and re-open my passion for photos.
Often times I am told how lucky we are of Kris' being allowed the entrance to City Of Hope. How lucky we are that he has a match.
You guys. I know this. I will forever be grateful beyond words. I wrote our donor a letter, and a card. In that letter and card you can only mention a few things. Nothing close to where we are, and who we are.
We just can't. This guy will know how grateful we are.
I'm just scared.
This shitty impromptu cancer, chemo, fevers, hospital rooms, nurses, doctors, elevators, throw up, diarrhea,
port, iv carts...watching my baby shrivel into bones.....wasn't what I expected on New Years Day 2015.
What we did receive was a wave of love.
A wave from friends and family like I never imagined would flood us.
In the midst of all the pain, confusion, sadness and fear, we received so much love.
My friends gave me reassurance that they weren't going anywhere. That they were there for the long haul.
That my tears could fall and keep falling. That I could go days ignoring a call, or text. That they would still be there. Praying for us. Praying for my son.
I hope this New Year has a better chance for HOPE.
I pray that my kids stay safe, and are here to watch me smile. To watch me love them hard.
I've always said I can't wait to watch them go through some of the beautiful chances in life. Like having children. A love that you can't explain until you've had the chance to love something that deep. To try and protect them with your last breath.
I will tread through deep waters for my birdies. I will try and find the best of the best as I told him I would.
But for now, I need strength. I need joy, and love. I need to know walking through these next few months that God has my back. I have begged him.
I wake up some nights still with that feeling in my stomach as though I've just dropped on a roller coaster.
I've sat up in my dark room, in the safety of my bed whispering FUCK. To soon walk around my house, returning back to my bed, tears rolling down my cheek caught by my pillow, turning tears into tears....
I've sat up in my dark room, in the safety of my bed whispering FUCK. To soon walk around my house, returning back to my bed, tears rolling down my cheek caught by my pillow, turning tears into tears....
And then I pray. I pray that these days will soon become memories. That January 4th, we will walk in as a family. I will carry my Mama Bird bag that Kris and Jen gave me. I will wear my Mama Warrior sweatshirt that my aunt Nettie and uncle Jeff gave me. I will have my little cross stuffed in my pocket. I will encourage and smile at Kris as I always do. I will hand over my thank you card to our coordinator. I will make my path, and make friends in a place where we will reside for about 5 weeks. I will reach out, and I will pull back.
I will pray for wisdom, patience, grace and provision. I will most likely turn my favorite sappy songs on. I will most likely cry like a baby.
I will remind myself that 2015 was the year that made a change in my life. Two Thousand Sixteen. I am ready for you. Not really, but really.
I hope you all travel safely to and from your ninja posts. I hope that you're in a place that you thought you'd be. Or at least close. Don't look for material to bring you JOY. Don't look for others to stroke your ego.
Don't look for little items that mask happiness.
If you want to look at what happiness truly looks like? It's having a healthy family. It's having healthy friends.
One thing Kris and I talk about while he's in the hospital, or healing at home, is travel. How he's always yearned to travel.
My wish is that someday he can share this story with others. Share it with someone else in the beginning days of diagnosis. Helping those in the heartache.
If there is one thing I would love to help and share with others is navigating through the paperwork scale that was handed to me. I see what I have in his crisis, and wonder how an elder with no family would navigate. How a family with no computer experience, or skill to get through some of the days and calls I've had to make. And continue to make.
Maybe someday Kris and our family can offer our experience through treatment.....
Or maybe, just maybe we never want to look through these chapter pages again.
I do know one thing for sure.
I will never ever forget the ocean of love from which we have come from. And that's from you my friends.
And family.
Without you, I wonder where I'd be.
Kris and Kali....if and when you read this.... my promise to you....is I will fight for us, for you, for our family until I can't anymore.
Your smiles. Your love to me is true. I loved you both from the very minute I heard your little heartbeats.
And for that.....I am here. Forever.
I just wish I would have whispered in your little ears---
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you."
(- Frederick Buechner)
LET'S DO THIS KIDS, LET'S DO THIS!
City Of Hope, You will receive one grateful family under your branches of tree love.
Happy New Years Eve- Go in PEACE. Spread love and spread kindness. It's what will help all of us. Even in the wicked hard days.
Love to you all, especially walking into 2016!
This Warrior Mama Lisa
